This is the Whoserpedia's page for Gospel lyrics, covering the entire British run.

America

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Heaven must be in the USA.
I said, Heaven must be in the USA,
'Cause we've got Ronald McDonald and we'll always keep it that way.

Tony Slattery:
I'd like to be in America. Yeah, everything is so big.
I go down from Chile, through the Earth, I dig.
Mmm, I wanna be a Yankee
But, wooo, some things in America are really wanky.

Sandi Toksvig:
Oh, Brothers and Sisters! I have heard the voice of the Lord!
I have been to see the Lord!
I've been to see a throat specialist.
And I'm telling you, Brothers and Sisters. Here, we're going to be saved the American way.
And how are we going to do it? Send money!

Mike McShane:
I've been told that life is Hell and pain,
But my personal heaven has got four lanes.
I can drive as fast as I want
And Jesus runs a roadside restaurant.
Yeah, Heaven is called the USA!
Yeah, let me tell you.
Heaven's got to be in the USA!

Bus Drivers

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Christopher Smith:
Hooooooooooo!
My soul, it was divided. My soul, it had been broken.
But it all was mended one sunny afternoon by the Lord's token.

Sandi Toksvig:
I'm going to try and sing a Gospel song,
But please forgive me if I get it wrong.
I'm feeling a little skittish,
That's because I am British,
But I will tell you this. I love you, Lord, in the teeth.
It's much more comfortable than being loved from underneath.

Jim Meskimen:
I'm standing, waiting for you by the side of the road.
Rain is coming down, but I'm waiting for you by the side of the road.
Can't wait 'til you lift me up with my heavy load,
'Cause I'm waiting, waiting for you, Lord, by the side of the road.

Mike McShane:
Get up on this bus. It's going to Heaven.
Get a bus on the seven to eleven.
I'm driving it straight passed the Pearly Gates.
You better not smoke and don't be late.
I'm going to truckle down the bus all the way to heaven.
You better have your ticket-

Jim: Yes, you better have your ticket.
Mike: Or you're going to just have to walk!

Cake Decorating

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Heaven is a biscuit way up above.
Heaven is a biscuit way up above.
And when Jesus comes down, he's going to squirt it with his heavenly love.
With his love.

Jim Sweeney:
Every day I like to bake. Bake a cake for the Lord above.
I cover that cake and all with it in neverending love.
Decorating cakes is my life. It is it.
I'm what you call a sad and lonely git.
Baking cakes.

Josie: Sing your song, brother.

Tony Slattery:
Well, I like cakes. You know, I find them enticing.
I like to take my clothes off and cover my body with icing.
I do it because, you know, woo! I can, wow,
Take my body down with marzipan.

Greg: Sing it, girlfriend.

Josie Lawrence:
Oh, God's heavenly love. It makes me feel so merry,
'Cause we are all baking in the Lord's cake. And the Lord, he is the cherry.
Oh, we'll take your sins and confiscate it.
And then he will decorate it.
Pretty soon, you will find that he's covered you in hundreds and thousands.
Yes, he's covered you
Ooooooh, ooooh, ooooooooooh.

All: In hundreds and thousands!

Lawyers

with Richard Vranch at the piano

John Sessions:
You've gotta watch "L.A. Law".
You've gotta watch "L.A. Law".
It's got the blandest colours that you ever saw.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Greg Proops:
My name's Perry Mason. I never lose a case.
Everybody's always waiting for telling to sit on my...
I'm in power, out on the job, you know I'm doing the work of the Lord.
I never lose a case.

Mark Cohen:
Well, I'm in a world of trouble. Let me tell you so.
I'm going to jail, Lord. That's where I'm going to go.
I went out and smoked some leaf
And now I'm part of a lawyer's brief.
Oh, Lord!

Mike McShane:
I'm sorry, Lord. What have I done?
Was I born on the wrong side of the street? I've been having too much fun.
I thought I was a giver, not a taker.
You made me the lawyer for Reverend Jim Bakker.
No way, yeah.
I can't win because I ain't got

Mark: I'm with you, brother!
Mike: I ain't got a chance
All: In hell!

Milkman

with Richard Vranch at the piano

John Sessions:
The Lord says you gotta place a little bit of gold on your top.
He says you gotta place a little bit of gold on your top.
You can have a gold, silver, and a green and red at Christmas
Then you can reach the mountaintop.
Can reach the mountaintop.

Archie Hahn:
Well, what's the best darn food on Earth? Milk! Milk! Milk!
What's the best darn fabric in the world? Silk! Silk! Silk!
If you don't drink your milk, you can't wear your silk later on.
Hey! Hey! Hey!

Ryan Stiles:
Oh, milk is a dairy product just like butter.
It just don't show up in the store. You gotta go squeeze some udder.
Oh, everyone likes milk. Even Sonny Bono.
As a matter of fact, I think his favourite is homo. Asa!
Oh, talkin' milk.

Mike McShane:
Yeah, I praise Jesus. I made it through another day.
The sun is shining. I'll unwrap my soul and it feels okay.
I open my door. I don't believe it.
Get a, the sweet milk and the love of Jesus.
I take my milk and I pour it on the cornflakes of my life.
I take the sweet cream of Jesus and pour it on the cornflakes.
Come with me on this!

All: Of life!

Needlepoint

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Ooooooooooh ooooooooooooooh ooooooooooooooh!
My life was really down. I was feeling oh, so low.

Mike: Testify!

Josie:
Until an angel appeared to me and taught me how to sew.
Yeah, life was just a void to me
Until I learned embroidery.
Oh, ooh. Wooooooo, yeah!
Sing your song, brother.

Paul Merton:
Oh, I'm knitting for the Lord. Yes, I am.
Jumpers, suits, socks, and scarves, yes I am.
All forms of knitwear, I'll give to the Lord.
Why I'll even go and knit me a shawl?
Oh yeah!

Julian Clary:
I've got a little needlepack that travels with me where I go.
Everywhere that I go.
It's got needles. It's got cotton. It's got a little thimble, which is handy.
If you lose a button when you're out shopping or something, you can sew it back on.
I think it's a boon.

Mike McShane:
I've been trying to figure out life
Full of pain and full of strife.
I told myself, "What's the needlepoint?".
Is Jesus a crochet or is he Afghan
Or, Lord, does he have a masterplan?
Oh, Jesus. Give me the weave of life.

All: Oh, Jesus. Give me the weave of life!

Plastic Surgery

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I'm trying to look much better. I've had a few things done.
I've had a breast enlargement and had some liposuction.
You see, I've had some specially sculpted hips
And then I had the fat from my butt injected to my lips.

Wayne Brady:
I remember the date, it was some time last September.
I wanted to change my appearance like a Jackson family member.
Because I wanted this all, all my life, brother.
I'd be just like Michael Jackson and lighten up my colour.
Scrape!

Colin Mochrie:
Get behind me, Satan! Get out of my life!
I'm a plastic surgeon for the Lord. You're going under the knife!
I'm going to cut you up, cut your heart, and cut your tail too!
Then I'll do something with your eyes that'll take fifty years off of you.

Ryan Stiles:
Living in America. Oh boy, is it funny.
You can get the plastic surgery if you've got the money.
And if you don't like it when it's finally done,
Remember, you're an American. You can kill your doctor with a gun.

All: Kill your doctor with a
Wayne: With a big old gun!

Trainspotting

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Ooooooooooooooooh. Hallelujah!
Oh, I found a new vocation.
My train is pulling into God's holy station.
Oh, oh, let the good prevail
'Cause I was once a sinner. Yes, I was off the rails.
Wooooooooooo!

Mark Cohen:
Now, I watch the trains, Lord, rolling down the track.
I'm going to get myself on this train and I ain't going back.
I'm going to go from the top to the bottom, go down to the funnel,
And then I'll be. Can't see nothing 'cause I'm in the train tunnel.

Josie: Yeah, from within, boy!

Tony Slattery:
I like watching trains. Yeah, I think I'm really slick.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm really boring. I'm a boring little prick, yeah.
Because I like my trains to be votive.
Wooo! I make love like a locomotive.

Mike McShane:
I was standing in Heaven's station, waiting for the big ride.
Jesus was the conductor. He pulled up, said, "Hop on in my freight car".
I was riding the train. Don't you know it's a pity,
That the train to Heaven is an intercity.
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Josie: The train is...
All: The train is intercity!

Woodworking

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Oooooooooooooooooooohhh! Whoooooooahhh! Yeah!
Oh, I am so happy and I am so glad,
'Cause I started to do carpentry just like Jesus's dad.
I'll no more be a sinner. I'll always try to be good,
'Cause I'm a carpenter for Jesus and I brought me some wood.
Oh yeah!

Denalda Williams:
Hail the Lord. He won't let me fail,
'Cause he gave me a hammer. He gave me a nail.
I don't care, it's God's law.
If you get it on with the saw.
Oh-ho!

Sandi Toksvig:
Stand up, people. I want you to settle down!
I want you all to be a woodworker for the Lord.
So we're going to say together, Brothers and Sisters. We're going to say, "I am a piece of wood".
Are you ready, Brothers and Sisters?

Sandi, Clive, and the audience: I am a piece of wood!

Sandi: Therefore, I won't sing although maybe I could.

Mike McShane:
Satan is a mighty oak and I'm a beaver.
I'll nibble away at sin all day. I'm a long toothed furry believer.
I don't care. I don't care where I am.
I dig the good God's dam.
I'm building God's dam. Building God's dam all day.
Building God's dam all day.

Josie: You're going to build...
All: God's dam all day!

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