Music Lyrics/Greatest Hits

This is the Whoserpedia's page for Greatest Hits lyrics, covering both the US and UK series.

Accounting

D-I-V-O-R-C-E-I-R-S (Disco)

Wayne Brady:
Get out! Get out!
Listen to me, here's a fact you will believe
You cheated on me Now I want your ass to leave
That is right, none of this is funny
Just pack your bags, and give me all your money!
I said, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E-I-R-Sss!"
Yea-eah!
I said, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E-I-R-S!"

Your Love Has Bankrupted Me (Swing)

WAYNE:
Because, I would bet seven
hoping that your love would, take me all the way to Heaven
but I guess when you gamble, you've got no luck
Your love has left me bankrupt
Oh, chapter eleven of the heart's what I got, it's hot
Chapter eleven of the heart's what I got
And when you ain't got me, ain't got nobody
See, 'cause chapter eleven is what I am
because your looove has left meee bankrupt
Why don't you get out of here? Oh, yeah!

Deduct This (Early Rock and Roll)

WAYNE:
(as Little Richard) Whoo!
Here's something, I know you'll see
You'd better, better save all your receipts
because you've better save them
because you'll do the rest

Whooooo!

Because if you don't, a-save your receipts
An accountant deduct, you'd better believe me
because, a-IRS deduct this!
Whoo-oo!

Deduct! You're screwed!
Don't save it, now you're sued!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

Whoo-oo-oo, baby!
You'd better deduct this!
Whoo-ooo!

Attorney

Sue Him. Sue Him Big (Yiddish Folk)

Wayne Brady:
Listen to me darling, and listen to this song.
If somebody hurts you or they might do you wrong,
There's only one thing that you can do.
You've got to sue.
And sue him big.
Hey!
Let me tell you something, listen to mom,
Because if it hurts you, listen to this psalm.
If they hurt you,
You know-yi-yi you've got to sue big.
Because you've got to sue, sue, sue.
That's what you've got to do, got to sue.
I've been with you, from the cradle.
Oy my goodness, dreidel dreidel dreidel.
Just sue, sue,
Oy, got to sue.
Call me sometime!

Sequester This! (Jug Band)

Wayne Brady:
Well, you know in school sometimes there's a semester.
When you're in a case you've got to sequester.
That's when you move from state's aid,
And you know you're in denial.
Because you've done some wrong, can't get a fair trial.
You've got to sequester over there or sequester over here.
Got to sequester in someplace else that I know that is not clear.
Because if you can do it, you'll never get your case heard.
And now I'm going to this... 
(picks up a jug and starts blowing but the music stops)
My jug broke!

Attorneeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! (Yoko Ono)

Wayne Brady:
When I met John, what could I do?
I broke up the Beatles, they wanted to sue.
So I got myself a lawyer, and they did too.
I believe this is what the lawyer's called, I tell you,
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Bong!
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Bong!
(screams long high pitched note)

Barnyard

You're Just a Chicken, But What the Cluck? (German Drinking Song)

Brad Sherwood:
You're just a chicken, but what the cluck?
I'm a man who's full of luck.
I will give my chicken a feel.
Pull down my lederhosen and my glockenspiel.

You May Be Just a Horse, But You've Got a Hell of an Ass (Romantic French Ballad)

Brad Sherwood:
I want to take you and gallop away.
I love you, my horse. You're Maurice Chevalier.
I love your ass 'cause it is so tight and round.
And when I jump on your saddle, I'm up off the ground.
Whoaaa, ohhh!
I love you. You are my horse.
You're my true love and you caused my divorce.

Bus Driver

Pffffffffffffff (Country and Western)

Wayne Brady:

Pffffffffffffff

Hmph hmph hmph hmph, crank crank, tssssh

Hmph hmph hmph hmph, crank crank, tssssh

Shoomp, ha ha ha ha, come on, come on, tssssh, tssssh

Hmph hmph, crank crank, shunk, TING, clink!

Camping in the Wild

Hand Me Some Leaves ('60s Protest)

Wayne Brady:
Eeeahhhh... 
Well, I gone in the woods. Not my type.
I went behind the bushes. Ooh, I gotta wipe.
But let me tell you something, in my dreams.
Hey you, stop staring at me and hand me some leaves.

What's That Noise? (Reggae)

Wayne Brady:
Oh oh eh oh oh oh eh eh,
Listen man, come now.
Now let me, me tell you somethin'
That me think ain't no good.
Me like to hike and camp
And then me come out to the wood.
Me got meself a lot of food
That me don't like to share.
Roar! Oh my goodness what is that noise,
And could it be a bear?
A bear.
Do do do do do do do do do do,
Do do do do do do do do.

Look At the Different Things (Motown)

Wayne Brady:
Well, now tell me, now what do you see?
There goes some wood, some ants, and maybe a chipmunk in the tree.
There goes a picnic apple, and there goes a little kid,
And there goes a jar of mustard fallen over, and there's it's lid.
All these things in the forest, ai!
All these things in the forest, ai!
You got deer, you got mice,
You got squirrels, ain't that nice?
And there's a couple makin' love. Say what?
Now there's a couple makin' love. Shucks!

Dentist

Just Say Novacaine (Salsa)

Wayne Brady:
Oh before you put the drill in my mouth, don't be so dumb.
You better use a lot of Novacaine to make my gums numb.

Chip Esten
'Cause if it hurts very much, out I must pass.
And I don't wany any of your laughing gas.

Wayne: So say Novacaine,
Chip: When you are feeling pain.
Wayne: Oh just say No-no-no-no,
Both: Vacaine.

It Has to Come Out (Wilson Pickett)

Wayne: Huh!
Chip: Ow!

Wayne Brady:
Huh. All right, now. Whoo!
Hey, now I took a trip to the dentist. I don't like him the best,
But I had to make a visit 'cause I had an abcess.

Chip Esten:
My little filling had rusted
And that's why he had to pull my bicuspid.

Both: Oh!
Chip: It had to come out.

Wayne:
Come on now!
Ooooow ow!
I said it had to

Both: Come out!
Chip: Whhoooaah!

Wayne:
Here we go, now.
Hey, I tried to use a doorknob, an anvil for gravity.
Lord try to help me pull that tooth, 'cause of the cavity.

Chip:
Well my dentist really worked. He really was a trier.
At first he tried to drill and then he tried the pliers

Wayne:
Oh, he made me scream and shout.
Lord, it's

Both: Got to come out.
Wayne: Lord,
Both: It's got to come out.
Chip: Baby, baby, there ain't no doubt.
Wayne: Ooh, ow.

I Ain't Wearing No Braces (Heavy Metal)

Wayne Brady:
Now look at me, I'd like to eat meat.
I think red meat
Is a really good treat.

Chip Esten:
I'm in a lot of pain-ah.
I should wear my retainer.

Wayne:
I should wear braces. Yeah, yeah!
I don't give a damn. Why don't you just look it?
I really don't care if my two front teeth are crooked. Yeah.

Chip:
I don't want them. Just look at him.
His mouth is full all of aluminium.

Wayne:
Yeah!
Yeah!

Petrol Station

Fill Me Up With Love (Love Ballad)

Josie Lawrence:
I'll be your fuel. You be my fool,
So fill me up. Come, baby. Pump, pump, pump.

Hey, Do Those Windows Baby (Country Western)

Josie Lawrence:
So, do those windows, baby. Rub my mirror clean.
I wanna see through my window. I wanna see it gleam.
Then, baby, baby, baby, I think you're oh so sweet.
A petrol attendant like you should join me in the backseat.

Hands Off My Muffler (Torch)

Josie Lawrence:
Hands off my muffler. Don't you know where it's been?
Hands off my muffler or I'll cover you in gasoline.

Lube Up (Disco)

Josie Lawrence:
Lube up! Huh! Get down!
Lube up! Fill me up now! Get down!
Well, I'm running out of gasoline on the motorway.
I pull over to a fuel station, and this is what I say.
"Everybody, lube up. Get down.
Get your pump out. Fill me up now."

Pizza Place

Mozzarella-la-la-la-la-la (Yodelling Country Western)

Chip: Heeee-eee-eee.
Wayne: Ohlala ohlolo ohlala ohlolo.
Chip: Lodelayee-ay.

Wayne Brady:
Oh, sometimes I think that I'm a lucky fella.
On my big deep-dish I like mozarella-la,

Chip Esten:
Sometimes, I think it tastes better
If you use a little gouda or you use a little cheddar,
But I also like to use my mozarella-la-la-la.

Wayne:
Here we go!
Mozzellay lalalay lololeyeeee,
Yololay lolollolo lay,
Mallarezz lalamollarella.

Both: Lolelaaaa!

Pizza Heckoutta U (College Fight Song)

Chip: Whooo!
Wayne: Whooo!
Chip:: Hey! Hey!
Both: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Chip Esten:
We're gonna bake, bake, bake all our pizza.
All the other pizza teams will bust
Because ours are flaky and rich and meaty,
And they have a special crust.

Wayne Brady:
Oh here is something that'll knock you for a loop.
Pizza is a brand new food group.
That is right, don't be such a smarty.
Pizza is the best food at a frat party.

Chip: Yeah!
Wayne: Whooo!

Keep the Buck (Doo Wop)

Wayne: Doo-dooo-dooo,
Chip: Waaa-ahhh-ahhh,
Both: Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh.

Chip Esten
Well, well, well. Thank you, Thank you. You drove so far
In your little red and white blue car.
So thank you.
And you can keep the buck.

Wayne Brady:
Oh, and I know many pizza guys across the nation.
They do this job. They don't have higher education.
Oh, so why don't you just take this dollar and put it in your hand?
And maybe you can get a better job. Maybe by bein', hmm, a trashman.

Chip:
Thank you, Now keep the buuuck.
Get back in your little white truck,
And you can,

Both: Keep the buck!

Plumber (UK)

I'm Clogged, I'm Clogged. Oh No, I'm Clogged (British Pop)

Brad Sherwood:
Oy!
I'm clogged. I'm going down the drain.
Flushed myself, 'cause I am half insane.

Wayne Brady:
Well, I shake me job for real not fake.
I'm so clogged, I need a plumbing snake.
Liquid Draino, give it to me,
'Cause I'm clo-o-o-o-o-ogged.

Brad: I'm clogged.

I'm Not Putting My Hand In There (Reggae)

Brad and Wayne: Eo!
Brad: Eo, da de de de de de o deo.

Wayne Brady:
Come now, come on, come come come again.
Come come, no no no no no.

Brad Sherwood:
You've got a problem with your pipes, well don't look back.
I'm not stickin' my hand in that plumbers crack.

Wayne:
Because you sit on me, man. Me wedding ring is stuck,
But you must be kinda crazy. Stick me hand up in that muck.
No no, me not gonna do that there for one thousand bucks.
Ain't not more.

Brad: No way oh, no way, I'm not gonna stick my hand in there.

I'm the Pipe Fitter (Early '50s)

Wayne Brady:
Oh oh oh!
Because you, you are my type.
I've got many wrenches to fit your pipe.
You come to me with the old gripe.
I'm the pipe fitter. Screw, screw, screw, nut, bolt, and wrench.

Brad Sherwood:
You know, I am someone you can trust.
And I promise, my pipes will never rust.

Wayne: Oh to be, the pipe fitter.
Brad: Oh oh oh, the pipe fitter.
Both Oooohhoooooo!

Plumber (1)

Sympathy For the Roto Rooter (Rolling Stones)

Wayne Brady:
One, two!
Yeah, oh baby.
Oh oh oh.
What do you do?
What's your job?
You've got the sink
And you know it's clogged.
It's the Roto Rooter,
And he has a very hard job.
Yeah.

Brad Sherwood:
Well, you know he's a real bad shooter.
We're talking 'bout the Roto Rooter.
Get on your little motor scooter,
And give a job to the

Both: Roto Rooter!
Brad: Baby.
Wayne: Sympathy! Sympathy!
Brad: Roto Rooter, baby.
Wayne: Sympathy! Sympathy!
Brad: Roto Rooter, baby.

Wayne:
For the RotoRooter.
Sympathy.

Brad: Ooh-ooh!
Wayne:
Sympathy! Sympathy!
Hey!

Who's Uncloggin'? (German Drinking Song)

Brad: Ladaladaladalayee!

Wayne Brady:
Ja ja, pluggen ze drain.
Who, da. Who can explain?
Uh huh, because I'm tuggin',
Das ut und vein sund un uden unpluggen!

Brad Sherwood:
The drain, it's so clogged,
And why? It's not fair.
It's clogged. It is clogged
With all of mein hair.
I do not understand.
I'm going on a toboggan.
Dum chigga bulla oompa ga,
ooh mein,

Both: Unkloggen!

You Can't Flush Me Away ('90s Rhythm and Blues)

Wayne Brady:
Well, you'll never never get rid of me. No one, push push.
You'll never get me to the toilet so you can flush.
I'll never never leave you, 'cause you've got part of my soul.
I'm gonna make love to you, girl, as I'm goin' down the bowl.

Brad Sherwood:
Baby, baby, listen to what I say.
You ain't never gonna, flush my love away.
I twirl around, any which way you please.
Baby, grab your toilet paper, 'cause I'm beggin' on my knees.
Ow.

Both:
You're never fonna flush my love away.
Never gonna flush my love away.
No, never never flush my love away.

Wayne: Ehh yeah.
Brad: Ow.

Pro Bowler

Spray Le Shoes (French Ballad)

Wayne Brady:
Because my shoes you must inspect
You use Lysol to disinfect
They are bowling shoes, you must abuse them
But I will not wear them, fifty people have used them
Yes you see, ooh little bitty worms
Fifty people with foot fungus germs
Just spray them
Spray them, ooh lah lah

Gutterball (Doo Wop)

Wayne Brady:
I knew this girl, that I liked
She could not bowl at all, she couldn't make a strike
She'd take the ball, her hands they were like butter
She let go down the alley, and oh-oh hit the gutter

Gutter-ball
No-oh-oh-oh the gutter-ball
Ah-ooh

Bowl Me, Strike Me, Spare Me (Jerry Lee Lewis)

Wayne Brady:
Listen girl, let me tell you this
I love to bowl, and I won't miss
I'll take that ball, and that's not all
And down the pins, and I just won't miss

Now you can bowl me, strike me, spare
Oh listen girl, 'cuz I just don't care
Why don't you take your ball and get outta here
And listen to me, look at my derrière

Oh, I grab my ball, I put it down the alley
I go bowling with my girlfriend named Sally
She can't bowl, like I can
Because I've got two balls and I'm a bowling man

Bowl me, strike me, [?] this
[?] strike and you bowl, you miss
I guarantee that I won't miss
So when you [?], can you strike, can you spare me this?