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This is the Whoserpedia's page for Hoedown lyrics, covering the entire British run.

Barristers

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
I was in the courtroom just the other day,
And the jury, I began to sway.
I was doing my final speech and it was going really well
When the judge fell asleep. Bloody hell!

Brad Sherwood:
I'm a lawyer and I'm needed to hire an assistant.
I saw a girl outside and she was awfully persistant.
She came in and told me all her legal beliefs.
Later on, I fell asleep and she went through my briefs.

Colin Mochrie:
Lawyers sue for everything. It really makes no sense.
I just got a suit against me because of impotence.
I really thought it was awful. I felt like such a bad sport.
But luckily, they couldn't make it stand up in court.

Ryan Stiles:
I made a big mistake and I stole the car.
Cops pulled me over before I got too far.
I know I'll get convicted and go to the pen,
'Cause I'm being represented by Clive Anderson!

All: Clive Anderson!

Being a Tory Politician

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Tory politicians, they really are a drag.
Bumming common people, that just ain't my bag.
But I am a waffler and a total prat,
So next election I will vote liberal democrat.

Rory Bremner:
No one likes our party. They think we're full of shit.
United over Europe, and most of us are split.
They're going off on holiday. I do not really care.
The feel good factor's coming soon. It's name is Tory Blair.
Hey!

Colin Mochrie:
Politics is very strange. It confuses me a lot.
There's tories, liberals, whigs, and others put me on the spot.
They do things very strange.
(faints)

Ryan Stiles:
Being in power can loom really large.
Seems everyone wants to really be in charge.
People who want power will do anything on a dare.
As a matter of fact, that's why Clive ripped out all his hair.

All: Clive ripped out his hair!

Being Born

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Life is very fickle from birth to the tomb,
Then I remember one day when I came out of the womb.
I came out a'spluttering and covered in green mush.
The first thing that I heard was "Push! Push! Push!"

Caroline Quentin:
I am being born and headed out the womb.
I am being born. I'm coming just too soon.
I am being born. I can hear a cry.
I am being born. I'm hurting ma, that's why.

Colin Mochrie:
My son was born the other day.
It really was exciting. Really really, in a big way.
I looked at him there, with his great big smile.
I didn't know I had him upside down all the while.

Ryan Stiles:
All I really feel is a doctor's hands on my bum.
He's pulling really hard and I'm afraid here I come.
I want to stay where I am; don't want to leave that tube.
Hey, but since I'm out here, give me some of that big old boob.
Mmm!

All: Some of that big old boo-oo-ooob!

Being Stood Up

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Caroline Quentin:
Last night, I waited. I waited all night long.
I waited for my boyfriend. I sang a little song.
Where in the hell are you, darling dear?
But he didn't turn up, so I'm still waiting here.

Colin Mochrie:
Oh, I met a girl I really really liked.
I hoped that she would come over but she wouldn't. Can you believe it?
You know, I've been waiting. I've been waiting.
No call! No phone call!

Ryan Stiles:
When it comes to girls, I seem to have some kind of vex.
I can never get what I want, and that is sex.
I just a'run around and scream and I rant.
I guess I should just pay money like my friend, Hugh Grant.

Tony Slattery:
I waited in the restaurant. I waited just all night.
I drank so much whiskey, I began to get quite tight.
And then no one turned up in the end, and I thought "oh no!"
And then I kissed a labrador and then I - (cracks up)

Biting Nails

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Caroline Quentin:
Yee-haw!
I always like biting my nails. It makes me feel so good.
I always like biting my nails, although I know I should.
I sometimes get a bit of dirt right between my teeth.
It makes me feel just great biting nails just beneath.

Colin Mochrie:
I really like to bite some nails. I really really do.
I bite them, bite them, bite them, and then I shout "Yahoo!".
I bite them here. I bite them there, right down to the bone.
But I never never never bite my own.

Ryan Stiles:
There's one thing I really shouldn't do.
It's my nails that I love to chew.
Day after day, I can't stop. What a twist.
I've chewed off all my fingers. Now I'm nibbling on my wrist.

Tony Slattery:
I really like to chew my nails. I do it all night through.
And then when I finish, I said to myself, "phew!".
And then I go and get a slice of ice cream and raspberry ripple.
And after that, I begin to suck and swallow my own nipples.

All: Swallow my own nipples!

Bungee Jumping

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
I went up the Eiffel Tower just the other day.
I threw off myself, my braces, and they swayed.
I went down and I went up, and down and up again.
I went up down so fast, I ended up in Big Ben.

Greg Proops:
The other day, my girlfriend said, "Greg, you want a thrill?".
She took me to a bridge at the bottom of a hill.
She tied a cord to my back, and I ran out of luck,
'Cause when she pushed me off it, I just yelled out "Wow!".
Colin!

Colin Mochrie:
I love to bungee jump. I do it everyday.
It's such a nifty, nifty, nifty, nifty way to play.
I like to do it, and people say it's dangerous, but it depends.
I find it really dangerous 'cause I don't tie the other end.

Ryan Stiles:
I like to jump off bridges. It's really lots of fun,
But I'm in a lot of pain when the day is done.
I don't have a cord, but you'll never hear me blubber.
I can still go up and down. My penis is made of rubber.

All: My penis is made of rubber!

Christmas

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
Well, I love Christmas. I wish it was every day.
I love Christmas. Do you hear what I say?
Sometimes I go up and sometimes I go down.
Did you know there was a man called Coco the Clown?

Colin Mochrie:
I love my Christmas. I love it every year.
'Cause I shove food in my mouth. I grin ear to ear.
My cholesterol is high.
(faints)

Ryan Stiles:
I really love Christmas. It's better than the rest.
When it comes to holidays, you know it is the best.
I like to celebrate. I guess I know how it goes.
That's why I prefer to sleep with a reindeer with a red nose.

Tony Slattery:
I like Father Christmas. You know he's a hell of a man.
I try to see him once a year, as often as I can.
When he comes, I do all the locks
And he comes down the chimney and he fills up my socks.

All: He fills up my socks!

Cinema

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
The favourite thing in my life is such a crazy dream.
I'd like to be a movie star, up there on the screen.
But I'll never be a movie star. No, no, no, no, no.
'Cause I'm too busy snogging on the back row.

Stephen Frost:
I love film. I could watch them all night.
I like watching them when I'm in flight.
The ones on the airplane, the box screen is too small,
But that's alright. Don't bother me. I've only got one ball.

Ryan Stiles:
I am the person that people want to kill.
Don't really mind. To me, it's kind of a thrill.
I'm used to it now. To me, it's nothing new.
'Cause I'm the guy that comes in and sits in front of you.

Tony Slattery:
I saw a film the other day. It wasn't very good.
It starred something that looked like a plank of wood.
I looked a little bit closer. I must've been going insane.
It wasn't a plank of wood at all. It was Michael Caine.

All: It was Michael Caine!

Coffee

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
When I am in England, I'll have a cup of tea.
I'll drink a cafe latte when I'm in Italy.
But when I'm in America, I have lots of luck.
I order coffee from a fast food place, but it's hot as...

Catherine O'Hara:
I like my java
As hot as lava.
I have fifty cups as the day passes.
But I don't feel real up
Unless I take twelve cups
And shove them up my asses.

Colin Mochrie:
(sung almost incomprehensibly fast)
I drink a lot of coffee. I really really do.
I really really do. I don't know what to do.
I think the caffeine's affecting me. I really don't know what to do.
But, you know, I really like it. I'll have some more now.

Ryan Stiles:
Lattes, cappucinos, I really can't see.
I like black coffee, and everyone laughs at me.
When I order, they think I have no class.
Why don't they take that expresso machine and shove it up their ass?

All: Shove it up their ass!

Colin Mochrie

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
Haha! I'm shocked!
I love to sing like Colin. I really really do.
I really really really really really really do.
And when I sing like Colin, it makes me have great joy
Because I.... Nooooooooooo!

Phil LaMarr:
Well, there is the man they call the King of "Whose Line".
His soul is on fire and his mind is very fine.
He does a hoedown, and he very rarely sucks
Because he is one talented, follically challenged canuck.

Colin Mochrie:
Everybody's having fun. They're singing all about me.
Let's all laugh along with them. Ha ha ha. Hee hee.
It really is amusing. Can't you all see?
Look at them. Look at them. Of me, they're making a Mochrie.

Ryan Stiles:
You've got to love Colin. I love him to the end.
I have to admit that he is my best friend.
I would not lie to you. This is no jive.
Any way you look at it, he's still got more hair than Clive.

All: More hair than Clive!

Cricket

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Debi Durst:
When I'm in England, I love to watch the telly.
I like to watch cricket, but it looks really smelly.
There are these guys flying around in white.
What they heck are they doing? Hey, room service, give me a bite.

Greg Proops:
(in an extremely posh British accent)
I'm a cricket player. I stand upon the pitch.
I wait for the ball to come, and then I give it a switch.
When the game is over, I retire for a beer.
And I know what you're thinking. And no, we're not.

Colin Mochrie:
I hate watching cricket. How do they do that play?
It seems to run and run and run, it goes on for fifty days.
It takes so long, it takes so long, it really is a crime.
In the time it takes to play cricket, I could make love 455 times.

Ryan Stiles:
I'm going to the cricket match with a pretty girl.
I really don't like the game, but hey. Let's give it a whirl.
I sit there, and make fun. Oh boy, I pick it.
Until she gr- leans over and grabs my sticky wicket.

All: Grab my sticky wicket!

Doing the Laundry

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Well, chugga chugga chugga chugga chug. I'm a washing machine.
Chugga chugga chugga chug. I'll get your clothes real clean.
You put in a bunch of quarters right there in the slot.
And when you take your clothes out.. They haven't finished the rinse cycle. They're still damp.

Archie Hahn:
Yee hah ha! Haw haw haw haw!
Y'all darn! I've got clothes. They're all filthy and dirty.
I got all my shorts. I put 'em in my shirty.
I'll fill 'em up with soap. I'll fill 'em up with suds.
When they get all rinsed and squeezed out, then they're done.

Ryan Stiles:
Doing all your laundry can turn out to be fine.
Just make sure that you have a'lots and lots of time.
Keep an eye out. Always look at the clock.
Take it out. Why is it I'm always missing a sock?

Chip Esten:
I had myself a lady. She thinks I'm really keen.
I take her to the laundromat. Have sex in the washing machine.
And when you can come over, and maybe you can try her.
Just get yourself a lady and get her in the dryer.

All: Get her in the dryer!

Donkey Riding

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
I was riding my donkey up a stormy pass.
I fell off onto the grass.
I saw a man and he helped me back on.
That's why I sing this song.

Colin Mochrie:
I like to ride my donkey. I ride him all day long.
He is very very very very very strong.
(Smiles contently)

Ryan Stiles:
I am a donkey. I love to haul the goods.
I think that's the way every donkey shoulds.
As I am hauling, never without fail,
Someone comes and polks in pin right in my tail.

Tony Slattery:
I love my fluffy donkey. I like to call him "Clive".
I dress him up in panties. He's the best animal alive.
I like to dress him up in lots of frilly clothes
And the two of us begin to star in certain videos.

All: Certain videos!

Examinations

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Oh, I went to college. I wasn't very smart.
I thow my hands up, giving up, at the very start.
Every test I take, you know, the test, it would I fail.
But it doesn't matter 'cause I am Dan Quayle.

Colin Mochrie:
I had to take an exam. I studied very hard.
I thought up very very hard and put things on a card.
I studied, studied, tried, tried, tried all my best
And then I went and realized it was a urine test.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I love exams. They are so much fun.
I love to take the paper and sit down on my bum.
Oh, I am very smart. Oh, it might sound kind of silly.
But I pass every test because I write notes right there on my willy.

Tony Slattery:
I hate examinations. It fills me with such fear.
I get the collywobbles and lots of diarrhea.
So if you are a student, don't care about the pain.
Get through your exams by taking lots of cocaine.

All: Taking lots of cocaine!

Excessive Drinking

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
I used to like the booze. I used to like the trickin',
But now I get my kicks going out toad lickin'.
I go out to the desert and find myself a frog
And lick it's psychedelic back 'til I'm high as a dog.

Mike McShane:
Out on the plains, there ain't no liquor store.
There's just some big cactus and not very much more.
But the Agave, I tell you gives the juice.
You put it in, let it ferment. It really cuts you loose.
Haha!

Tony Slattery:
(mumbles with a hankerchief in his mouth)
...And then I cut it off!

Ryan Stiles:
Drinking lots of liquor can go right to your head.
Well, one day I drank so much that I woke and I was dead.
Oh, drinking. It really takes some nerve,
But at least I'm dead. Hey, I am well preserved.

All: Am well preserved!

Feeding the Cat

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Chip: Sing it, Jed!

Greg Proops:
I'm gonna! Woo!
Well, I'm a little kitty. You know, my name is Tabby.
My master feeds me too much. That's why my butt's so flabby.
He put me on a diet. He tried to slim me down.
He stuffed me in the backyard and put me in the ground.

Ryan Stiles:
I always feed my kitty the way a master should.
In fact, I feed all the kitties in the neighborhood.
They look at me kind of strange. Some are even bitter.
I guess they figured out I'm feeding them kitty litter.

Tony Slattery:
I love to feed my kitten. I feed him from the fridge.
I feed him flies and rats and little tiny midges.
The problem is I'm blind. I've got eyesight like a mole,
So sometimes I try to stuff the food in the wrong hole.

Chip Esten:
I've got a sad story. It really is a pity.
I fed some bad poison. I fed it to my kitty.
I put it in a bowl. I laid it on his plate.
And now my kitty lost his life. He's got another eight.

All: He's got another eight!

Foreign Travel

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
I'm a girl, as you can see.
I love to travel to lots of countries.
I've been to Thailand. I got there for free.
Yes, I have been everywhere, but I've never been to me.

Greg Proops:
I'd like to say "Howdy!" to everyone right here.
Because I come from America and I'm not from here.
But if you come to my place, I'm sure you'll find it's hot.
There's drugs and sex and beaches, and you might get shot.

Colin Mochrie:
Come on over to Canada! We've got mountains galore.
We've got people who sleep soundly. You'll never hear them snore.
We've got seas and planes, and things and things and things and things and things.
And everyone, everyone... sing better than this.

Ryan Stiles:
Every year in England, when it starts to rain,
My wife and I go away on a big old train.
When it comes to sex, I think that I'm the best.
But she likes to refer to me as the Orient Express.

All: The Orient Express!

Fried Foods

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Hooo!
I work in a kitchen. I'm a short order cook.
Though you may not think it, I'm smarter than I look.
Every morning when people come in and they want eggs and ham,
I don't feel like cooking, so I whack them with my frying pan.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I have fun frying up some kitties.
I throw them in a pan. I think it's kind of witty.
I watch them sizzle and sizzle. Oh boy, what fun.
And I'm sure they won't stick 'cause this pan is teflon.

Tony Slattery:
I have fun with fried foods, especially when it's really hot.
I've got all the fried foods in the world and you have naught.
It's not as much. It doesn't sound quite feeble.
I use all my hot food to burn Jeremy Beadle.

Chip Esten:
I like to fry a lot. I fry on my griddle.
I get me big steaks. I fry them 'til they're little.
I know it ain't good for me, but I just love it all,
'Cause sometimes when my veins fill up with that cholesterol.

All: That cholesterol!

Gambling

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Colin Mochrie:
I entered the lottery. I bought myself a ticket.
Watched all the numbers. I saw all the people pick it.
And now I'm really rich.
Wait. I don't have to sing. I don't have to do this. I'm rich! I can do anything I want! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Giving Birth

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
I am nine months pregnant. I tell you that it hurts.
Every year, I pop out a couple of little squirts.
But when I go into the room to have those little drugs,
Oh-- Fuck my ass!
You know, failing is one of the major parts of television. Uh, if we may, I'll pick it up.
Well, I'm a little baby. I live inside my mummy.
In a couple months' time, I'll come out of her tummy.
When I'm grown, I will run around on rugs
But so she doesn't cry, I hope she takes a lot of drugs.

Karen Maruyama:
Alright!
Well, having a baby should be given to men,
'Cause when I had mine, I killed my OB/GYN.
Hey, having a baby, it makes me want to beg
'Cause nothing's more painful than seeing that thing drop through your leg.
Ow!!

Colin Mochrie:
There's nothing more beautiful in this great big Earth
Than watching a wife giving birth.
Just seeing it filled me with ecstasy.
The thing I liked best was thank God it wasn't me.

Ryan Stiles:
Watching a baby come out can be really neat.
I pull up a chair and I sit right down at her feet.
They called the police on me, so I'm headed out the door,
Apparently because that she's never seen me before.

All: Seen me before!

Golf

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
When I was a schoolboy, my teacher said to me,
"I'm going to teach you golf. This is called a tee.
You put the ball on it and swing very hard,
But make sure you use a club and not a piece of lard".

Greg Proops:
You stunned me.
Uhh... Ahhh...
I'm next to Colin Mochrie. He really is a chum.
Before we shoot the programme, he lets me pat his bum.
But when we go out golfing, it really makes me sick,
'Cause he always asks me to grab onto his stick.
I don't know. What am I? A genius?

Colin Mochrie:
I love playing golf. I play it all the time,
Though the way I play it, some think it is a crime.
My golfing instructor told me it was lots of fun.
When he stepped in front of me, whoops, hole in one.

Ryan Stiles:
When I go golfing, we always bet a buck
And my friend kisses me. He kisses for good luck.
I'm not saying I'm aroused 'cause he is just a friend,
But when he smooches me, it makes my putter stand on end.

All: Putter stand on end!

Grandmothers

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
I went to my grandmother's just the other week.
She greeted the door and gave my nipple a tweak.
She's always doing that to me when my back is turned.
Last week she opened a cowshed, and there was a milk urn.

Josie Lawrence:
I love my grandmother 'cause she is very nice.
I go and see her on Sundays and she gives me some advice
Like always use a Bible and never shave your legs,
And tomorrow she's teaching me how to suck eggs.

Colin Mochrie:
I have a mobile phone. It is really neat.
It dials and calls and washes my feet.
It expands and grows and turns into a plane.
It really is great, neat. I'm insane.

Ryan Stiles:
I love my grandmother and when the day ends,
I discover that we are a bit more than friends.
(stands in disbelief)
...the teeth right off her gums.

All: The teeth right off her gums!

Hairdressers

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Woo!
Oh, I hate going for haircuts. It really is a drag
'Cause I think that my barber is a mighty hag.
Every time I sit in the chair, I just say, "Damn my luck"
'Cause he always cuts my hair, and then I yell out "Darn".

Russell Fletcher:
To get a haircut, I need to save up a new bob
To get a nice neat one so I can get that new job.
But when I went in, I came out a little bit queerer.
I hadn't been to the hairdresser. I'd been to the sheep shearer.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I'm not sure of my barber. I think he's kind of strange.
The way he likes to play with my hair. He always rearrange.
I'm not sure about him. I don't think he's the kind of guy.
But I can't complain when he likes to blow me dry.

Josie Lawrence:
Yaaay! Yee-haw!
Well, I hate hairdressers and all the things they say.
They push my neck over the sink and say, "Have you been on holiday?".
I hate hairdressers. I ain't been to one since.
I asked them for a blow dry and they gave me a blue rinse.

All: They gave me a blue rinse!

Halloween

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
I like trick or treating. I go from door to door.
I aak for candy, ask for sweets, and then I ask for more.
Sometimes they give me lots of rocks and bugs,
But I do not care 'cause I trick or treat on drugs.

Colin Mochrie:
Oh, I'm so glad that Halloween is finally here,
'Cause Halloween's my favourite time of the entire year.
I dress up and give all the kids a nasty fright.
I really don't know why I'm not wearing a mask tonight.

Niall Ashdown:
Last Halloween, there was terrible blizzards.
It was caused by a nasty old wizard.
He was at his window and caused a fearful spell.
And when I woke up in the morning, I did smell.

Ryan Stiles:
Halloween can be such a special night.
It's a chance you get to run around and scare and fright.
When people open the door, oh boy, do they run.
That's because every year, I dress as Clive Anderson.

All: Clive Anderson!

Making Cheese

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
I used to masturbate a lot. I stopped it, if you please.
I found another hobby. I call it making cheese.
I use a tiny goat. Sometimes it will curdle,
'Cause when I want skim milk, I got to put the goat in a girdle.

Colin Mochrie:
I have a little cheese shop. I sell all kinds of cheese.
Just come in with money, and I'll take it, if you please.
I sell from all kinds of nations, from here and from there.
From here and there, and there and here. I used to masturbate.

Ryan Stiles:
I like to eat my cheese with my best friend.
We'd been eatin' eatin' 'til the very end.
I like to eat with my friend. Don't you know he's Sam?
After I'm done with cheese, I like to edam.

Brad Sherwood:
I've got a billion cheeses all around my house
To entice my lover, which is a brown field mouse.
She is so darn happy 'cause she's in love with me.
When we make love, we make love in lots of warm runny brie.

All: Lots of warm runny brie!

Marital Problems

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Yee-haw!
I've been having problems with me and my feller,
So we went to see a marriage counselor.
Her name was Helen. She was very nice.
Now I live with her instead and my life is full of spice.

Stephen Fry:
He's good. Isn't he?
Music and sex are very similiar to me. Um, I just can't make them.
Uh, whenever I do or whenever I try to, I find the best ways to fake them.
I- I've been to that Ann Summers shop. I've been to every branch.
The only way I can really get it off is with Richard Vranch.

Colin Mochrie:
I'm a great blue whale and I live underseas.
I'm having problems with my wife... and me.
She always talks about old boyfriends. It really makes me sick.
Well, how the hell can I compare to a guy named Moby Dick?

Ryan Stiles:
I live in the U.S., married a girl from the south.
She's always screaming, got a really big old mouth.
She comes out a'swingin', a'screamin', and a'fussin'.
I guess that's what you get when you marry your sister's brother's cousin.

All: Sister's brother's cousin!

Motorcycling

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
I love to ride my Harley. I ride it day and night.
I drive all through the neighbourhood to give the kids a fright.
It may seem kind of stupid, it may seem kind of fun,
But they always freak out when I dress up like a nun.

Ron West:
I like to ride my Harley. I like to ride it fast.
I get my bitch on the back of me and I slap her ass.
Sometimes we go fast. We hit our jaws.
I don't give a good damn about the helmet laws.

Ryan Stiles:
I like to ride my bike, now. I think it's really slick.
And it's the best way to pick up a chick.
She gets on and waves and says all her bye-byes.
There's nothing like hot metal between her thighs.

Brad Sherwood:
Well, Harley-Davidson's an awesome machine.
Driving Kawasakis is for just a two bit queen.
I love to go riding around so manly in the dirt,
And sometimes on the weekends I wear panties and a skirt.

All: Panties and a skirt!

Motorways

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Woo! Yahoo!
(makes engine noises)
When I came to England, I met me a man.
He was shiny and bald. His name was Clive Anderson.
There was some confusion. I said, "Where's the freeway?".
He said, "No, you silly twat. It's called a motorway".

Colin Mochrie:
I use the motorway each and every day.
It really turns a lot like work. It really is not play.
I got hit badly. And why, do you suppose?
I got rear ended by a guy picking his nose.

Ryan Stiles:
Driving home from work can be lots of fun.
Driving down the highway when your work is done.
I love to watch the bugs as they splat against my glass.
The last thing that goes through their mind is their big fat ass.

Tony Slattery:
I like the sound of motorways when things go splat.
I look out my car window and I've run over a cat.
The thing I really hate, the worst thing in my life,
Is the stupid bastard who designed the M25.

All: Designed the M25!

Pony Trekking

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Yeeee-haw!
Well, love is nothing but balogna.
I'd rather be with my little pony.
Trekking up the hillside. Trekking down the course.
I love my pony. I also love my horse.

Rory Bremner:
I like pony trekking on the holiday programme.
I like drawing pictures of where I go, and even diagrammes.
I like going on ponies, and bashing them with bricks.
It doesn't really hurt me, but it makes them go much faster.

Mike McShane:
Hey, pony roundup in the summertime!
Pony roundup in the summertime!
I take 'em left to right on path
And then I take 'em to the osteopath.
Pony.... summertime.

Tony Slattery:
I like to go a'trekking in the country on a pony.
I'm very friendly with the critter. I say, "Hello, I'm Tony".
And then, oh look out! There's something nasty in the way.
It's not a pony dumpy. It is Mr. Anderson's toupee.

All: Mr. Anderson's toupee!

Presidential Ethics

with Win Meyerson at the piano

Greg Proops:
I'm independent counsel. My name is Kenneth Starr.
I hunt for suspects everywhere, both near and so far.
I hunt for secretaries and the President's wife.
The reason that I do all this is I have no life.

Phil LaMarr:
Well, there's plenty of reasons to be commander in chief.
To help the people and give social relief.
To do something that might help the world.
Or, of course, you could just do it to get the girls.

Colin Mochrie:
What the hell's going on? The country's gone to pot.
The President's having lots of sex, while I am not.
I think it's really horrible. It's really quite a sin.
Why don't we hire a celibate like Wilt Chamberlain?

Ryan Stiles:
I think we have the best President that I've ever seen.
The way his sexy voice sounds, I think he's really keen.
A lot of people think he's a crook. They think something's amiss.
'Course, what do I know? I'm just a stewardess.

All: I'm just a stewardess!

Puberty

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
When I was a young man, I went to my friend's house for tea.
But he was growing up too fast. He was going through puberty.
He had hairs on his top lip and underneath his arms.
His mother came in and caught us kissing and... joined in.

Josie Lawrence:
Oh, oh, I hate puberty.
All my things are sticking out and I've got acne.
Oh, oh, oh, I do not want to grow,
So as this is a hoedown, I'll just do-si-do.

Colin Mochrie:
I like going grey. I really really do.
I really really really really, please don't misconstrue.
To many, it's a source of consternation,
But I'm quite happy with my hair pigmentation.

Ryan Stiles:
Things are starting to happen to me way below my belt.
It's the strangest thing that I had ever felt.
I turn out the lights and I play with my crotch
Every night when I watch all the girls on Baywatch.

All: Girls on Baywatch!

Reading of the Will

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
When my father passed away, we had to read the will.
I didn't turn up 'cause I was feeling ill.
I got a letter in the post. It said I had three million quid.
So I went out and bought a horse, and this is what I did:
Yeeeeee hawww!

Colin Mochrie:
The other day, I went to my dad's funeral.
He crossed himself an elephant. It didn't go too well.
The elephant was willing. My daddy, he said, "Ouch".
It took me 27 days to scrape him off the couch.

Ryan Stiles:
My brother passed away last week. I guess that's kind of sad
Because he's the best brother that I have ever had.
But he will always be with me because we made a pact.
I'll put my hand right up him and start a ventriliquist act.

Tony Slattery:
My mother died the other day. I hit her with a kosh.
I hoped that in the will, she would leave me lots of dosh.
But when I read the will, I found out that I was not rich.
She just left me her knickers. What a stupid bitch.

All: What a stupid bitch!

Rubik's Cube

with Duncan Walsh Atkins at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh me.
I seem to have a Rubik's C-U-B-E.
Don't know how to do it. I wish that I was dead.
I can't get the blue, or the yellow, or the white, or even the red.

Tony Slattery:
Please stop clapping. It puts me out my stride.
I don't want to do this cube 'cause it's so wide.
It's ten inches long. I don't know what to do.
But at least with the red and yellow, I've made the blue.

Josie: Blue!

Humphrey Ker:
When I was a young boy, I had a Rubik's Cube.
But that was before I discovered good YouTube.
If I stuck with the toy, I'd probably be a banker,
But instead I spend my time on the net and now I am a wanker.

Neil Mullarkey:
La la la la la la la la la la la la la.
La la la la la la la. Rubik cube.
La la la la la la la la la la la la.
River Danube!

Scuba Diving (1)

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
On the prairie, it's real dry. We don't know why.
We wait for it to rain and so we can take a dive.
We put on our masks, and put on our tanks, and dive right into the dirt,
And then when we hit our heads on a rock, damn, it really hurts.
Woo!

George McGrath:
I like to put on real tight clothes and then go underwater,
But every time I get there, I wonder if I oghter.
'Cause then I see lots of things. There's swimming swimming fish.
And they make me talk (gurgling) like this.
Hey!

Ryan Stiles:
I love all the fishies, all the sharkies too.
When I see one come towards me, I swim like you.
Out of all the friends down there, hey, don't you know?
There's a friend of mine, the very popular Jacques Cousteau.

Mike McShane:
Okay, now some fruity George Balanchine cowboy dancing!
I, I'm a scuba diver boy.
I dive for pearls and I pick 'em up like toys.
But when I'm deep, and I really got no cares,
Until I turn all blue 'cause I ain't got no air.

Ryan: He's got no air, he's got no air.
All: He's got no air, he's got no air. He ain't got no air!

Scuba Diving (2)

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Mike: Yeeee-haaaww!

Greg Proops:
I dance underwater. I do a coral jig.
I live there with my friend, a tiny inflatable pig.
Wearing a rubber suit, that is my fervent wish,
I scuba dive all day long so I can have sex with fish.
Wooo!
Sing it, boy.

Mike McShane:
Three feet under, I'm here in the water, here.
I've got my mask on. I'm feeling good, oh dear.
I'm nuzzling up to fishes, I'm all in the deep blue sea.
I can't have enough fun, like Jacques Cousteau, you see.
Haha!

Ryan Stiles:
I'm not very good at swimming. I hope that I don't drown,
And if I do, I hope that sooner or later, my body's found.
I think I'm going there, now. My vision's getting soft.
Where the hell when you need him is David Hasselhoff?

Tony Slattery:
I like my scuba diving kit. My pleasure never ends.
As long as I don't surface quickly, then I get the bends.
I get all my friends, and my uncles and aunties,
And the most important equipment is my waterproof panties.

All: Waterproof panties!

Sex Change

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Sam Johnson:
Yeee-haw! Woo hoo! Hooo! Heeee!
When I first did meet you, I wanted to give you a whirl.
Too bad that you were not a girl.
Now that all has changed, I thank my lucky star
That you went to Denmark.
Yee-haw!

Jane Brucker:
I'll tell you one thing. I think it's kind of hip.
Now that I'm a guy, I never wax my lip.
Ever since I just took my brand new testosterone.
I've discovered that I've got myself a brand new bone.

Ryan Stiles:
My friends no longer know me. They think that things have changed.
All my parts have been rearranged.
They don't know me any longer as "Billy"
Since they cut off my willy.

Chip Esten:
I have a little boy. You know, his name is Tom.
I was his daddy, but now I am his mom.
I was a tough one, as tough as old Charles Bronson,
Until I went to the hospital and they cut off my Johnson.

All: They cut off my Johnson!

Sex

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm a randy bugger. I really get around.
I like to have a shag with everyone in town.
I have lots of fun. I'm as happy as can be,
And that's 'cause my name is Tony Slattery.

Colin Mochrie:
I love making love. I do it every day.
My girlfriend's a contortionist. We do it every way.
It's really quite remarkable the ways that she can bend.
She also is a psychic. She foresaw her own end.

Ryan Stiles:
Living in the country, there's really not much to do.
I love to grab anything and have a real good screw.
I guess it's really bad. I guess it's kind of sad,
But my girlfriend looks at me and says, "Hey you're not baaaaaad".

Tony Slattery:
I am a little kinky. My panties are made of fur.
I like to stay in evenings, just me and my cucumber.
And then I pull my pants down and start to paint my tush,
And dress up in leather and squat on Barbara Bush.

All: Squat on Barbara Bush!

Skiing

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Ron West:
I put on my skis and I look like a dope.
I'm going down the hill, which is also called a slope.
I feel really good when I'm doing the giant slalom.
I can't ever do it right, but that's why my name's Nullem.

Ryan Stiles:
Drinking coffee and skiing can be a lot of fun
When you're heading down that long ski run.
It can be really fun. Don't you, don't you know?
But the best part is writing with pee pee in the snow.

Colin Mochrie:
My girlfriend, when she started to ski with a branch,
Then she was swallowed up by an avalanche.
It really is quite ugly. It really is sublime.
But now when I see slopes, you know, alpine.

Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm a little yuppie. You know I like to ski.
I take my beamer to the slopes. Just me, my wife, and mistress, and me.
And when I get done skiing, you know it's just a dodge.
What I really like to do is pick up chicks in the lodge.

All: Pick up chicks in the lodge!

Smelly Feet and Bad Breath

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
I know something, it works just a treat.
It got rid of my smelly feet.
I wash them with my mouth and they smell just like roses.
Unfortunately, though, it's given me halitosis.

Caroline Quentin:
The other day, I started feeling quite weezy.
Suddenly, I smelt my boyfriend's feet were cheesy.
So I looked down at his little toes
And I took a hammer and I put it up his nose.

Colin Mochrie:
My breath really smells bad. My feet have a pong.
I really smell bad. It is all wrong.
It's horrible. It's horrible. And there is quite a link.
Because of my feet stinking, seven species are extinct.

Ryan Stiles:
What's that that smells so bad a'lying on the beach?
It's those smelly feet and they're within reach.
I will take a big night off and cut them out just for a lark.
Throw them in the water. They're food for a shark.

All: Food for a shark!

Space Travel (1)

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm a tiny martian. I'm green and full of mirth.
I have one mission only, to dominate the Earth.
I'll give you a new leader, and he won't take no jive.
He's got no neck, his hair is bald, and his name is Clive.

George Wendt:
We've got a problem, Houston. I don't have the right stuff.
I'm going to go to space now to look for stuff that they make fluff out of.
Dance break!

Colin Mochrie:
My wife and I are astronauts and we need information.
We've been made to have some sex upon the old space station.
We did it and, wouldn't you know, we got into a bad fight.
Hey, is it my fault that I'm faster than the speed of light?

Ryan Stiles:
I fly around space. All around the clock.
It's my job 'cause my name is Doctor Spock.
Sometimes I get bored on a three year tour.
But I make it easier by sleeping with Uhura.

All: Sleeping with Uhura!

Space Travel (2)

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
I like doing hoedowns, especially in space.
I do them with antennas. I do them with lots of grace.
But tonight is really special and I'll buy all the beers,
'Cause I'm doing a space hoedown next do Norm from "Cheers".

George Wendt:
We've got a problem, Houston. I don't have the right stuff.
I'm going to go to space now to look for stuff that they make fluff out of.
Dance break!

Colin Mochrie:
I am an astronaut. My last trip was a pip.
I was captured by some aliens and put upon their ship.
They put me in the corner, then they made me disrobe.
Let me tell you, nothing hurts more than a Martian probe.

Ryan Stiles:
It's just me and another guy floating around space.
Just to break the boredom, sometimes he wears lace.
Houston knows about it, but they never make a fuss
Unless they catch me circling around his Uranus.

All: Around his Uranus!

Stone Carving

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Jim Meskimen:
Heh ha!
If other hobbies leave you in the lurch,
You can always break out your chisel and carve yourself a perch.
That's right. You can carve a marble or a granite.
Just go ahead and have at it.
Haha!

Christopher Smith:
You may spend a couple hours cleaning off the sediment
From that age-old fallen pediment.
But once you've done it, you will notice with ease
That it's one of them Grecian frieze.

Ryan Stiles:
Well, you know carving is lots of fun.
It's cheaper to buy the rocks by the ton.
I like it when I'm carving when I'm alone,
But I find it's a lot easier when I am stoned.

Josie Lawrence:
Everybody chisel your marble. Chisel with ease.
Chisel your marble, please.
Chisel your marble. Chisel it right down.
When you're sculpting, you won't wear, you won't wear a frown.
Chisel your marble. That's all I can say.
Take the stone and hit it every day.
You can make most anything you want.
Chisel your marble and chisel it right down.

Tight Trousers

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Mike McShane:
I'm a western boy. I like my pants real tight.
I like 'em long and lean and fitting just right.
When I slip 'em on, they feel so nice and cool-y,
Especially when they lynch me up and I'm pressed up against my goolies.

Brad Sherwood:
I think pasta is religious. In fact, I think it's holy.
I cover myself in marinara and pads of ravioli.
I sometimes clean al dente with using it like floss,
And sometimes I stir it in my pants to make the special sauce.

Colin Mochrie:
I love wearing pants that are very very tight.
I wear them in the day and I wear them in the night.
Sure, sometimes it just cuts off my circulation,
But I don't-
(faints)

Ryan Stiles:
When I go out clubbing, my pants are mighty tight.
Sometimes it gets me in many many fights.
Everybody looks at me. They go, "You son of a gun!".
But I'm not actually wearing any. They're just painted on.

All: They're just painted on!

Vasectomy

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
Well, I went to my doctor's and he said to me,
"What you need is a vasectomy.
Gotta cut your balls off and put them in a jar".
And then he took his hat off and went, "Ha ha ha ha ha".

Colin Mochrie:
I fight fires in Germany. They really are the worst.
I now will do German in my next verse.
Ich lieber dik gushdik, dat mansion il exploden
Uger dat jumpin jumpin ulder trampolinin

Ryan Stiles:
Some people think it's a really lousy job,
But I love the fact working around somebody's knob.
Everybody thinks that it's a job that really stinks,
But I save up all the spare parts and I make up cuff links.

Tony Slattery:
The doctor went to work that day. He started right down there.
He snipped around my tezzies and around my pubic hair.
And for that job, I'm very grateful. Yes, I do give thanks,
'Cause now every time that I make love, I'm always shooting blanks.

All: Always shooting blanks!

Weddings

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
My brother got married. His name is Gromit.
And when he walked down the aisle, I began to vomit.
The vicar cleared it up and put it under the cake
And the wedding reception, we all sat and ate cake... flake... dessert...

Greg Proops:
Is that it? That's it? Alright.
I believe in marriage. I think it is a treat.
And on the day I married, I looked so very neat.
But a couple of years later, I began to cry.
It made me totally sick because my name is Lady Di.
Sssss.

Colin Mochrie:
I hate weddings. They make me really sick.
Just looking at them makes me go, "Ick! Ick!".
I really just hate them. I hate them all the time.
You know what I hate most of all? Greg just took my rhyme.

Ryan Stiles:
I make the wedding dresses in my special way.
I make them for those pretty girls on their special day.
But sometimes I get angry and I make such a fuss
When I lift up the dress and find the bride's got a penis.

All: Bride's got a penis!

Winning the Lottery

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Oh, I love the lottery. It makes me so excited
And if I were to win it, I'm sure I'd be delighted.
But every time I go to the shop, it is just a drag.
I see the shopkeeper and I have to give him a shag.
Pretty exciting.

Rory Bremner:
I just won the lottery. My lucky number is six.
Having won the lottery, I'm going to pick up loads of chicks.
I'm going to take them out, and take them for dining, and then I'll have fun wth them all.
I can't wait to see the smile on their face when they see my bonus ball.

Colin Mochrie:
If I win the lottery, I'd be one happy clown
Because then I'd hire someone to do this hoedown.
So, if by what I say isn't funny and you're vexed
Don't worry, because Ryan's come here with funny. He's next.

Ryan Stiles:
I hope to win the lottery with a lot of luck.
Boy, would I go crazy. I'd probably even (cough).
I wouldn't change it all. I'd keep my same old life.
Sure, I'd go to the whorehouse and maybe kick out my wife.

All: Maybe kick out my wife!

Women

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
I'm scared of spiders and animals, too,
So I really freak out when I'm at the zoo.
But the things that scare me most of all, are occassionally now and then
Are those great big tall long lady things they call women.
Ewww!

Niall Ashdown:
I first made love to a girl called Shiela.
When we made love, she proved to be a bit of a squealer.
First, I was scared, but there isn't anything finer
Than to see her, because she's from Asia Minor.

Colin Mochrie:
I'm afraid of women, especially at night.
They always come towards me. They give me such a fright.
They're leathery and small and their wings get in my hair.
Oh wait a minute, it's not women. It's vampire bats. I- Ohh.

Ryan Stiles:
My girlfriend's kind of special. She's one of a kind.
Down in Soho is where I did find.
When I put my mouth on her, she really starts to blubber.
I guess that's what you get for a girl made of rubber.

All: Girl made of rubber!

World Leaders

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Hi, ich bin. I'm German. My name is Helmut Kohl
And you know, kids, I really really like to rock and roll.
I like to go to America. It's where I get my kicks
'Cause President Clinton knows all the easy chicks.
Don't even worry about it.

Rory Bremner:
Welcome to World Leaders. My name is David Frost.
I'll bring you world leaders no matter what the cost.
(As Bill Clinton) I'm a southern world leader. I'm a pleasant kind of fella.
(As Nelson Mandela) But I'm an even nicer bloke. My name's Nelson Mandela.

Colin Mochrie:
I'm a world leader. I hate democracy.
Because, you know I'm a dictator, you see.
I'm going to make people march to and fro and back.
The best thing about being a dictator is I look good in black.

Ryan Stiles:
Once, I ruled Israel with an iron hand.
I was the best leader in all of the land.
Sure, I was rich, but no one lived in fear.
I've got silver in my pocket and gold in my ear.

All: Gold in my ear!

Worst Nightmare

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Stephen Frost:
When I go to sleep, I have nightmares all the time.
I have this weird dream I'm covered in lime.
And the giant licks me really really hard.
And by the time he's finished, I've turned on up with... lard.

Brad Sherwood:
I have lots of nightmares and I try to be brave.
I'm covered in vasceline with my mom in a cave.
Then in the morning, I wake up from a chance,
And in there in my bed is Colin in my pants.

Colin Mochrie:
Every night, I go to sleep. I go to sleep each night.
And I have a horrible dream, it gives me quite a fright.
I'm at a carnival, and a big cotton candy I've won.
I eat it, eat it, and when I wake up, I find my pillow's gone.

Ryan Stiles:
When I go to sleep at night, you know my biggest fear.
That walking around my room is some sort of creature.
Let me start over.
When I go to sleep, I'm so afraid of the dark.
Then one night, I turn on the lights just for a lark.
Ah! Right before me is a really ugly creature.
Then I realize that I'm looking in the mirror.

All: Looking in the mirror!

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