Music Lyrics/Hoedown/US

This is the Whoserpedia's page for Hoedown lyrics, covering the entire American series.

100th Show

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
A hundred episodes of "Whose Line". Lord, it changed my life.
It gave me financial security for myself and my wife.
So thank you, ABC and Warner Brothers, you're my friend
'Cause if it wasn't for 'Whose Line', I'd be on UPN.

Drew Carey:
Well, today, it was our hundredth show.
It's been really fun. Great, doncha know?
Let me just tell you something, even though it's been a blast.
All you folks who've been watching "Friends", you can kiss my ass.

Colin Mochrie:
A hundred episodes of "Whose Line", where our name's being called.
A hundred shows of them saying that I'm bald.
Does it hurt the friendship? Can it stand the test?
Yes it can, 'cause I'm hung the best.

Ryan Stiles:
Colin says he's hung the best. That, I just can't see.
I've known him for a long time and it cannot be.
He says he's got a big penis, but that's not a lock
'Cause I have to tell you, right now, mine's tucked in my sock.
All: Mine's tucked in my sock!

Affair

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I'm having an affair, stepping out on my spouse.
Late nights calls and running from my house.
This affair has got me. Its hold on me is mighty.
No, it isn't with a woman. My affair is with Righty.

Drew Carey:
Well, I'm single so you may ask "How can I cheat?".
Well, I have a method and that method can't be beat.
What I've discovered is an affair to remember.
I'm thinking about Miss June while I'm looking at Miss November.

Colin Mochrie:
I feel so horrible. I cheated on my wife.
I haven't felt this bad in my entire life.
The affair happened at the restaurant where I waitered.
The best part was the affair was catered.

Chip Esten:
My wife caught me with a prostitute.
She came into the room and she began to shoot.
And then she went and yelled all around the town.
I know there's more prostitutes. I guess that's one ho down.

All: I guess that's one ho down!

Astronaut (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you something, my girlfriend, I was a slob.
But now look who's laughing. Astronaut, it is my job.
Flying around the universe, that is my duty.
I even made a pitstop in Mars and got some Martian booty.

Jeff Davis:
Well, I work for NASA and it is a great place.
They let me take me girlfriend up into outer space.
And now we're all alone up there and she sure knows how to please,
And her boobs really look nice in zero G's.

Colin Mochrie:
I am an astronaut but I'd rather be fishing,
Because I've been up in space for a ten year mission.
It really is so horrible. I'm really annoyed.
I've been sitting down so long, I've got asteroids.

Ryan Stiles:
I think you will find I'm the best astronaut that will be found.
I can't wait to blast off and leave this ground.
Soon as I get up there, oh boy, I yell, "Shoot".
I forgot about my training and I tinkled in my suit.

All: I tinkled in my suit!

Astronaut (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Ever since I was a little kid, lookin' at the sky, that was great.
I wanted to be an astronaut and fly up and stay up late,
But I'm a coward and I know this to my soul.
I don't need to be an astronaut, I'm already an expert in black holes.

Colin Mochrie:
I am an astronaut, high in outer space.
Look at me just soaring with a big, big smile on my face.
Oh I am so happy, this job is heaven-sent,
Cause I'm up here, not on Earth and dealing with the president.

Ryan Stiles:
I can't find my space gear, I think it's disappeared.
That is what I hoped and that is what I feared.
All my stuff is gone, and it really is so heinous.
The only place I haven't looked is right up Uranus.

Brad: That was my line.

Ryan: Alright. Of course it was. Brad was gonna say Uranus.

Brad Sherwood: Yes I was.
This really is difficult, it is such a crime.
I'll come up with a good verse, but Ryan stole my fucking rhyme.
So I'm just gonna stall some time and think of something else.
You all just sit there clapping, playing with yourself.

Aisha Tyler: Uh, let's try it one more time. Ryan and Brad, take it away.

Ryan:
I'm up with a girl in space, oh man, is she a cutie.
I'm so happy she is here, she is such a beauty.
I'm so happy, so happy that they sent me.
We've had sex once, and I'm ready for re-entry.

Brad: Aw, come on!!
Are you kidding me?

Ryan: You want us to do three more?

Brad Sherwood:
I've traveled through the galaxy and orbited our globe.
I was abducted by aliens and felt a painful probe.
Sometimes it's hard to be an astronaut, but at least I am employed,
Though truly sometimes that probe is a pain in the asteroid.

All: A pain in the asteroid!

Bachelor Party

with Laura Hall at the piano and Linda Taylor on guitar

Greg Proops:
I went up to Drew's house because he's getting married.
He's gonna be married to the girl that'll be Mrs. Drew Carey.
He said there'd be a stripper and there was and it was scary
'Cause when the stripper came out, it was Drew Carey.

Drew Carey:
Had a bachelor party, we took off our clothes.
It was pretty wild, heaven knows.
I was embarrassed when I went to tip her.
Turns out my mother was the stripper.

Colin Mochrie:
I went to a bachelor's party. I really had a ball.
Boy, I consumed an awful lot of alcohol.
In fact, it was really bad. In fact, it spelled my doom
'Cause when I awoke, I found I'd married the groom.

Ryan Stiles:
My friends threw me a party. I knew that I was sunk.
We stripped right down, all night long, got really drunk.
Dancing with my naked friends. Boy, that's the life.
As a matter of fact, to Hell with my wife.
All: To Hell with my wife!

Backstreet Boys

with Laura Hall at the piano

Chip Esten:
Yeee haw!
Them Backstreet Boys, I think they really stink.
It isn't anything personal. They're just not N'Sync.
This might be kind of weird. It could be a shock.
But I've still got a poster of the New Kids on the Block.

Drew Carey:
Well, I hate radio today.
They don't have anything good to play.
All they play is junk. They are in a rut.
I wish they'd take the Backstreet Boys and shove them up their butt.

Colin Mochrie:
I hate the Backstreet Boys. They bug me like no one else can.
So I came up with a really cunning plan.
I kidnapped them and then I showed them, oh, how to hurt.
I made them all wear a copy of my shirt.

Ryan Stiles:
A lot of people think they're the best ones in the land,
But the Backstreet Boys aren't my kind of band.
Many people think that they are heaven sent,
But you're not a band unless you play an instrument.

All: Play an instrument!

Bad Neighbor

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Who knew that when I moved into my house
My new neighbor would be such a louse?
He's just like Jar Jar Binks 'cause he is always "Ruuude!",
Peaking in my window when I'm breakdancing nude.

Denny Siegel:
I once had a neighbor. Living there was really hard.
I used to find legs and arms buried in my yard.
My husband said, "Honey, you really should be calmer",
But I said, "It's your fault we moved next to Jeffrey Dahmer".

Colin Mochrie:
Parties with drunks and naked girls are happening next door.
There is an awful racket. It's shaking up my floor.
There's in and out, and things are happening. I know I shouldn't grouse,
But boy, I hate living next to the White House.

Ryan Stiles:
I really hate the guy who lives next door to me.
I wish he would move real far, or so I wouldn't see.
People running naked. It's really really scary.
But I guess that's what you get when you live next door to Drew Carey.

All: Next door to Drew Carey!

Baseball (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Now, y'all that know me know, I don't know much about sports.
With baseball playing, guys, normally I don't consort.
But, I met this pretty girl. Man, real, for real.
She let me get down and go into her Wrigley Field.

Colin Mochrie:
My wife likes baseball. She's a baseball loving girl.
That's good for me. I'm the richest man in the world.
I bought her a playing field, the best that money can spend,
'Cause everyone knows a diamond is a girl's best friend.

Ryan Stiles:
I'm a baseball catcher and that takes a lot of guts,
Squatting there, looking at other players' butts.
I have to admit, I don't know where they've been.
Just last week, I took two balls to the chin.
I'm leading you in.

Jeff Davis:
Well, baseball is the pasttime of the grand old USA.
We like to go out to the park and watch those guys all play.
And once I met a baseball gal. I thought she was top notch,
But just like all the players, she won't stop scratching crotch.

All: Won't stop scratching crotch!

Baseball (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
When it comes to baseball, I'll be honest. It's a sport I don't like.
So, the fact that I'm doing this hoedown, itself, is my third strike.
I'm just figuring it out, because as you can see
I went from a rookie to a hoedown MVP.

Colin Mochrie:
I envy baseball players. They get a lot of dough
For hitting and some bunting and then running in slo mo.
It isn't that hard. In fact, it really isn't tough.
I'd like to see 'em do a hoedown. I ain't getting paid enough.

Wayne: "I ain't getting paid enough." I like it.

Ryan Stiles:
I'm on a mix team, it's both girls and guys.
We run around the field and shed pot flies.
There is one girl, the prettiest that I found.
I hope that next week, I'll be pitching on her mound.

Jeff Davis:
I'm a baseball player. This girl has a pretty face.
I took her back to my place, tried to get to second base.
But when we got naked, oh how we both cried.
I've done so much steroids, my junk has shriveled up and died.

All: Shriveled up and died!

Beach (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you something. Just listen to my song.
I was on the beach. I got something caught in my thong.
The pain was immense. I thought that I would hurl.
A little piece of sand got trapped. Ugh! I made a pearl.

Drew Carey:
Oh, I went on vacation and it was grand.
I got lots of sleep and I got real tan.
Now I'm back to work. Don't want to sound like a leech,
But man, doing these hoedowns really is a beach.

Colin Mochrie:
I vacationed at the beach. I really had to frown.
I was splashing in the water and I started to drown.
Water went into my lungs. I spluttered and I coughed.
Next thing, I woke up having mouth-to-mouth with David Hasselhoff.

Ryan Stiles:
I went to the beach and boy, was the water cold.
I got in anyway because I was bold.
When I went in, it was colder than I feared.
That's the day that my penis disappeared.

All: Penis disappeared!

Beach (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
When I want a vacation, I took a trip to the beach
Because it was the only stretch of land that was within reach.
Oh, man. It was great, you understand.
When I went, I was as light as him. Now I'm a dark man.

Drew Carey:
Well, I went to the beach last week. I really caused a panic.
People jumping from their blankets, falling off their hammock.
Man, they were yelling. They were screaming at me.
I guess I shouldn't have worn my tiny thong bikini.

Colin Mochrie:
I went to the beach because I'm really pale.
I was skinny dipping with my pet, a great white whale.
I was out in the sun too long. I got really sick.
Boy, it was so horrible. I burnt my Moby Dick.

Ryan Stiles:
I went to the beach with Drew, and boy, was it fun.
He took off his shirt and everybody else was done.
We got a place there, apartment that we leased.
He was being pushed in the water by some guys from Green Peace.

All: Guys from Green Peace!

Birth (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Thank goodness for my mom that I was made.
It was 27 years ago that my dad got laid.
That's right. You see, upon closer inspection,
I'm standing here 'cause he didn't use protection.

Denny Siegel:
When a woman gives birth, her man is filled with pride.
All through the delivery, he stands right by her side.
But nine times out of ten, she'll say to him, "You jerk!
You got to do the fun part and now I do all the work!".

Colin Mochrie:
Ellen is my wife. The other day, she gave birth.
It was the most beautiful thing on this God's Earth.
When I saw her do it, I said "Oh my God, Dear Ellen.
Looking from this angle, it looks like a straw passing a melon".

Ryan Stiles:
I came out of my mother at exactly ten to five.
Everyone screamed and ran and yelled "It's alive!".
I can't really blame them. I guess it was kind of scary.
Everyone tells me I resemble Drew Carey.

All: Resemble Drew Carey!

Birth (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Thank goodness for my mom that I was made.
It was 27 years ago that my dad got laid.
That's right. You see, upon closer inspection,
I'm standing here 'cause he didn't use protection.

Denny Siegel:
When I finally meet a guy who appreciates my worth,
We'll get married and nine months later, I just might give birth.
Well, birth is what can end up happening when you have lots of kisses and hugs,
But I don't care about this natural stuff. Give me lots of drugs.

Colin Mochrie:
Guess what? My wife gave birth the other day.
I really supported her. I was there all the way.
Boy the time went by. Boy the time sure passes.
Then I cut the cord. I really should've worn my glasses.

Ryan Stiles:
The day I was born, my daddy really did care.
He wore a surgical mask, and yes, he was right there.
People said, "He looks just like you". I guess it was a curse,
'Cause I happened to come out ass first.

All: Come out ass first!

Denny: Yee haw!

Blind Date (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
So, there I am. I got a message in a bottle.
I won a free date with a tall supermodel.
She was about six foot five, but it was really lame.
I didn't have a good time 'cause we played "The Crying Game".

Drew Carey:
I used to hate blind dates. They never did work out.
They give me a kiss on the cheek and then they throw me out.
Nowadays, my blind dates go off without a hitch.
I know I'm not good looking, but I'm really really rich.

Colin Mochrie:
I had a blind date. It really was the pits.
Nothing worked all night. I kept getting hit.
She really was abusive. Man, oh man, oh man.
But what else can you expect when your blind date is Roseanne?

Ryan Stiles:
I had a blind date just the other night.
The type of girl that really shouldn't be in the light.
She wasn't really attractive. She was kind of bland.
But she still beat the hell out of using my right hand.

All: Using my right hand!

Blind Date (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Woooo hooo!
You see something, my dating life is bad.
I opened up the newspaper and then I read an ad.
The ad said it was great and so I did not blunder.
I opened up the door, and there was Stevie Wonder.

Chip Esten:
Once I got a blind date. I really liked his smile.
He was very tall, though. His name was Ryan Stiles.
I went right on through it. That date was pretty rough.
Sure it was a blind date, but I wasn't blind enough.

Colin Mochrie:
I went on a blind date. Her name was lovely Kate.
Everything was wonderful. Boy, it really was great.
And what happened next, I tell you it is true.
When I went and kissed her, she went "doo doo da doo doo doo".

Ryan Stiles:
I met a girl one day. She said he really liked me.
Why she did, I really couldn't see.
She really was turned on. She gave me all types of clues.
What really got her hot was all my fancy shoes.

All: All my fancy shoes!

Blind Date (3)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Yee hee!
I had a blind date and had many fears.
I hadn't had a date in about ten years.
Veronica was a really great gal. Yes, you understand.
But at the end of the night, I found out Veronica was a man.

Denny Siegel:
Well, I thought a blind date would really be a treat
So I went out with my blind date and got a bite to eat.
Well, I can tell you it was a terrific date.
The guy was just eh-eh, but the seeing eye dog was great.

Colin Mochrie:
I had a blind date. It really was the pits.
Nothing worked all night. I kept getting hit.
She really was abusive. Man, oh man, oh man.
But what else can you expect when your blind date is Roseanne?

Ryan Stiles:
I had a blind date. She was better than the rest.
When it comes to women, I would have to say she's best.
Blue eyes, long legs, and really good blond hair.
Every time I go to date, I fill her full of air.

All: Fill her full of air!

Denny: Yeee-haw!

Body Odor

with Laura Hall at the piano

Chip Esten:
Yeeeee hooo!
I had myself a lady, a really special girl,
But then she went and left me 'cause I made her nosehair curl.
She said she had to leave. She cried and fell to bits.
She said, "It's not your face. It's just your pits, they are the pits".

Drew Carey:
Well, my wife left me. She ran out the door.
She took all the furniture. She cleared me to the floor.
When I asked her why, she said I smelled like no other.
She sme- said I smelled as bad as an episode of "Big Brother".

Colin Mochrie:
There is a question that's been asked through the ages.
Nobody has the answer. Controvery rages.
But I know the answer. It's exactly what you think.
Dinosaurs had B.O., now they're all extinct.

Ryan Stiles:
Everybody might want to go to the bathroom for awhile. Come back in.
(sighs)

(Chip yodels)

Ryan: I'm phased out. I can't do shit.
Drew: I got one. Want me to do one?
Ryan: Come over here. Stand behind me and sing it.

Drew Carey:
Oh, I went on a date last night. It didn't really end well.
She said she wouldn't kiss me 'cause I had a weird smell.
I said "Come on, baby. Why don't you have a heart?
Sure, I might have B.O., but at least I didn't fart."

All: At least I didn't fart!

​Butchers

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I used to be a butcher, a master of the cut,
But I was so distracted by my wife’s beautiful butt,
She sauntered in. She said hi with her kisses,
And I was so distracted, slice! Now, I’m the missus!

Jonathan Mangum:
Come here, pretty lady, right here and have a seat.
My occupation is the one in charge of cutting meat.
I am a player and the girls think I'm a baller,
But please don't cut my meat 'cause it can't get any smaller!

Colin Mochrie:
I am a butcher. I work in outer space.
I serve my meats to every different kind of alien race.
I am famous throughout the world. Yes, yes, that’s true.
You may know my motto, may the pork be with you.

Ryan Stiles:
You’re a beautiful woman. Can I help you, ma’am?
May I suggest the pork roast, or maybe even ham?
Oh, I’ve got everything. Try some of my meat.
My meatballs are gigantic and my sausage is real sweet!

All: My sausage is real sweet!

Cable Company

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I had to wait for cable installation the whole day.
It really made me mad that for TV, I must pay.
So, when he came to the door, what did he see?
I was wearing a negligee and I got cable for free.

Drew Carey:
Oh, you might think it's risky for a guy like me
To be making fun of the cable company.
"Won't that cost you lots of money?"
No, 'cause I'm not on cable. I'm on ABC.

Colin Mochrie:
With my new cable, I have a lot of choice.
Some of it makes me happy. Some of it makes me moist.
Gee, it's a lot of fun. I'm happy as a mouse.
Now all day, I can see "Full House".

Ryan Stiles:
I really hate my cable guy. He makes me wait all day.
There is one guy that I really don't want to pay.
Then, one sunny day I really got my wish.
I murdered my cable guy and then I got a dish.

All: Then I got a dish!

Car Salesman

with Laura Hall at the piano

Chip Esten:
Yeee haw! Tusla, Oklahoma. Salute!
I went down to my dealership. I tried to buy a car.
He tried to sell a lemon but he didn't get too far.
I found a lot of steals and I found a lot of deals,
And then I bought a pinto, but it didn't have no wheels.

Drew Carey:
Well, I wanted a Chevy but I didn't want to get bored.
And then I thought, "Maybe a Mercury. Maybe I'll get me a Ford".
But when I came down to it, I didn't make a fuss,
But I didn't have any money anyway, so I'll just take the bus.

Colin Mochrie:
I met a car salesman. He didn't have no ethics
And I believed his every lie. It really was pathetic.
He did horrible things that no good man ever should.
I came home early, found him checking under my wife's hood.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, those German cars, do they cost big bucks.
I look at the price tag and I am full of yucks.
All those porsches, more expensive than the others,
Unless you're Drew Carey and get it free from Warner Brothers.

All: Free from Warner Brothers!

Cheated on the Wife

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Woo hoo!
Well, I know that we're in matrimony
But I cheated on you so I feel just like a phony.
Now, girl, you see from the day that we did marry,
I was sleeping with you, but I was making love to Drew Carey.

Drew Carey:
(singing to his hand)
Let me tell you, ever since I was thirteen,
You've given the best loving that I've ever seen.
Let me tell you something that I know you can't stand.
I've been cheating on you with my other hand.

Colin Mochrie:
Yes, I've cheated on you. I've had women by the score.
At last count, it was over eighty four.
I don't care that you're mad or your pride is bent
'Cause I've just been pardoned by the ex President.

Ryan Stiles:
I cheated on my wife with her sister and her mother.
I also slept with her cousin and her brother.
Boy, when she heard, boy, did it sting her.
The good news is next week, we're on Jerry Springer.

All: We're on Jerry Springer!

Cheese

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
When it comes to improv, on the top, we sits.
In fact, I feel just like an unopened box of Ritz.
I hate making jokes like this, even though I'm blacker.
But if we're talking about this, I'm the cheese and they're the crackers.

Colin Mochrie:
I love eating cheese. I love it all day long.
If you eat your cheese, you can never go wrong.
I get Ryan to act with me. Yes, it does please,
'Cause, I always like to have a little ham with my cheese.

Ryan Stiles:
Where does cheese come from? From a cow. Ooh! Moo!
I like cheese, and Colin does too.
When he eats too much, he gets a little sick.
And with that last remark, Colin, you can suck my dick.

Brad Sherwood:
Gouda, swiss, and monterey, and some camembert.
These are all some lovely cheeses with a lot of flair.
I can't believe Ryan asked for that nasty job,
But I guess it would taste better if he put cheese on his knob.

All: Put cheese on his knob!

Children

with Laura Hall at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
Just the other day, my husband said to me,
"Darling, why don't we start a family?".
What a silly notion. What a silly whim.
Why do I need children when I've already got him?

Drew Carey:
I don't pay alimony. I don't pay child support.
I don't pay nothing of no kind of that sort.
I get to keep all the money that I'm paid.
How can you have any children when you never ever get laid?
Hey!

Colin Mochrie:
My wife always bugged me to start a family,
But I had a real low sperm count so it was hard, you see.
So we did something that I think was really bold.
We adopted triplets. They're girls and eighteen years old.

Ryan Stiles:
The wife and I just had a kid again.
I guess this brings the grand total, I think, it is ten.
How we had another, I just can't see,
Since two years ago I had a vasectomy.

All: Vasectomy!

Christmas

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I look forward to Christmas each and every day,
But this year, I got no presents and I don't know what to say.
I guess that old Santa Claus was nothing but a liar,
And there was a funny smell when I lit the fire.

Drew Carey:
Christmas is a holiday that I really hate.
There's nothing about it to which I can relate,
So every December 25th, I kick off my shoes
And go down to the deli and hang out with the Jews.

Colin Mochrie:
Up in the North Pole, the elves all went on strike.
Santa didn't care. He said, "Go on. Take a hike!".
Things were horrible that Christmas. It all just turned to poo.
As Shakespeare said, "Remember, to thine own elf be true".

Ryan Stiles:
I love when Santa goes deliver all the toys.
I love to see the smiles on all the girs and boys.
Really is a holiday, a time to pause.
Every Christmas Eve, you'll find me porking Mrs. Claus.

All: Porking Mrs. Claus!

Commercials

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
I'm in advertising. You know, my name is Rick
And I am really groovy 'cause I am not a brick.
I sit and sell you stuff, stuff that you don't need
Because I have one motivation and that's massive gred.

Wayne Brady:
Why don't you buy that stuff, you baby boomer?
I know you've got lots of cash. You are a big consumer.
Man, oh man. Everything from cars to fast foods, I sell.
My biggest slogan? Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Colin Mochrie:
I hate commercials. What a waste of time.
They take up all the program. It really is a crime.
They seem to waste all the time in my precious life.
Thank God there's sixty seconds, then I can make love to my wife.

Ryan Stiles:
I buy lots of products when I'm at home alone.
It's really really easy. You order them by phone.
Not to order these things is really kind of hard,
But I never worry too much. I used Colin's credit card.

All: Colin's credit card!

Cop Shows

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Wooo!
Boy, oh listen. Nothing amuses me
Than sitting at home and watching reality TV.
Now, that show "COPS", I think that it's the bomb
Until I turn it on and say, "Damn, that's my mom!".

Chip Esten:
Yee haw.
I love me a cop show. Of that, you can be sure.
Until one night, I'm watching and they bust down my door.
They bring inside a deputy, they bring inside a jailor,
And then they confiscated everything inside my trailer.

Colin Mochrie:
I saw a cop show. It really made me mad.
It was so horrible. The writing, it was sad.
The more I watched it, the more it was the pits.
It had Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada. It was called "Fish and CHiPs".

Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, those cop shows, they give me such a fright.
And it seems like they are on every single night.
Sure, you can watch 'em if you really want a scare.
Thursdays at 8, you can see Melissa's underwear.

All: Melissa's underwear!

Cowboys

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I am a cowboy. I've got a rope, of course.
Spat, spurs, look at me, while I'm ridin' on my horse.
Nothin' wrong with being a cowboy. Of youth, it's a fountain.
And when I'm finished drinking here, I'm gonna ride a brokeback mountain.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a cowboy. I ride in one direction.
And the more I ride, the bigger my erection.
Everybody stands and goes, all the folks,
"Look at him go. He's a mighty cowpoke".

Ryan Stiles:
Well, I'm not good on a horse, I shouldn't be alone.
I have to admit I'm pretty accident prone.
One day I was ridin', thought I might just erupt.
Turns out my penis was caught in my stirrup.
Cause it's so long!

Jeff Davis:
Well, I'm the biggest cowboy. I'm super big and strong.
And all the ladies know that my rope is extra long.
I had a reduction and the surgery went great,
I was a dirty dozen, now I'm just a hateful eight.

All: Just a hateful eight!

Dentists and Professors

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I'm a professor. I've got a PHD.
I am so smart. No one is smarter than me.
I am a professor. I've been one all night.
In fact, I am a professor. I hope Chip gets it right.

Drew Carey:
Well, when I get in the ring, it is such a treat.
I knock my opponets right off their feet.
Why do I wrestle with all of my might?
It's because I look good in the wrestling tights.
Oh, was it wrestling?

Chip Esten: It's professor.
Drew: Oh no! Oh man! Oh! Darn!

Colin Mochrie:
I am a dentist. My duty, I won't shirk.
My assistant wants to do all of my work.
"No you can't", I said to her. Her name is Ruth.
"Why not?", she said. I said, "You can't handle the tooth".

Ryan Stiles:
I went to my dentist, but he wasn't there.
His nurse told me that I would be in her care.
She lay back in the chair and, boy, did she moan,
Because I was doing a little drilling of my own.

All: Drilling of my own!

Doctor (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
They've got doctors young and old
To help you with your heart or glands, or maybe when you've got a cold.
But my friend, Colin, he dances really loose.
The only doctor with his arm he needs to see is Dr. Seuss.

Drew Carey:
I love my doctor. He's given me lots of aid.
My doctor makes me feel unafraid.
Why do I love my dear old Dr. Merle?
Well can you believe that I used to be a girl?

Colin Mochrie:
I am a doctor. Yes, I'm very bad.
Boy, it makes my patients really really mad.
The last guy that I had still hasn't healed.
I should've been gentler when I fluffed his Garfield.

Ryan Stiles:
I went to see my doctor in his big white cape.
He told me that I really need to get in shape.
Boy, I really hate him. His words, I despise.
But I think that today, I better start to exercise.

All: Start to exercise!

Doctor (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I've always wanted to be a doc
Because in the community, he is a rock.
Man, that hippocratic oath, you've got to take it.
The worst part of a doctor's job is seeing these three naked.

Drew Carey:
I love going to my doctor. It gives me such a thrill.
I go to my doctor even when I am not ill.
Now, you may think that I am in a rut,
But I am not. You see, his nurse gots a nice butt.
Because that's why I go the doctor. Because his nurse got- fuck, man. Fuck.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a doctor, famous as can be.
Throughout the world, I'm renowned for my surgery.
They're going to make a movie about me in the future.
It really is incredbile. It's called "Back to the Suture".

Ryan Stiles:
I'm not feeling well and it really is kind of scary.
Things are happening to me involuntary.
I try to know something. It really is amiss.
Every time I go out, I can't stop doing this.

All: Can't stop doing this!

Drinking

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I can't find my car keys 'cause I'm so full of booze.
I smell just like vodka. I just threw up on my shoes.
I don't even know where I put my pants
So I'm just going to wear a lampshade and run around and dance.

Drew Carey:
Well, making up songs in a hoedown puts me to the test
And to tell you, really frankly, I'm not at my best.
I'd do better, I could really think,
But ABC, well, they don't let me drink.

Colin Mochrie:
The other day while playing golf, I had a lot to drink.
As I reached the first tee, I could barely think.
I hit the ball really hard. The guy is barely alive,
Which just goes to prove, if you drink, don't drive.

Ryan Stiles:
I got naked in a bar. I took off all my clothes.
How I ever got that drunk, nobody knows.
I passed out naked on the bar. I only had a sip.
The waitress came to cleanup and I said, "Keep the tip".

All: Said "Keep the tip"!

Drunk Mother

with Laura Hall at the piano

Chip Esten:
Yeee-haw! Mother's a drunk.
Well, I knew Colin's mother. Yes, I must tell the truth.
When she was nursing Colin, her milk was ninety proof.
She wanted to kick the habit. She didn't know what to do,
But if your baby looked like that, then you'd be drinking too.

Wayne Brady: Wow!

Drew Carey:
Let me tell you something that happened just to me.
My mama started drinking when I was just three.
Now I shouldn't let this secret slip,
But my mama started drinking when she married Chip.

Colin Mochrie:
My mother drinks a lot. I know that isn't strange.
But her behavior gets real strange.
She acts as though she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus.
Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, this hoedown, it's taking mighty long.
I am so sick of this bloody song.
Wayne sits there and he gets to rest.
His penis is large. That's why he's behind the desk.

All: He's behind the desk!

Eighteenth Birthday

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Today, I'm very happy for goodness sake.
I'm turning eighteen and I've even got a cake.
I am so happy that I just might pop.
The best time about turning eighteen is finally my balls dropped.

Colin Mochrie:
I just turned eighteen. I'm at the prime of life.
I feel so good, I do not have so strife.
Everything's so wonderful. Nothing in life does stink.
Best of all, I'm Canadian and eighteen I can drink.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I just turned eighteen and I think it's really great.
I'm going to go out somewhere and yes, I'll celebrate.
I'll get all dressed up and yes. Oh boy, I'm a looker.
I think I'll go straight to Vegas and get myself a hooker.

Jeff Davis:
I'm the happiest guy that you've ever seen.
Here's the reason why. I am eighteen.
Now, when I say "eighteen", please don't get me wrong.
I don't mean my age. I mean I'm eighteen inches long.

All: Eighteen inches long!

Family Reunion (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
Every family reunion is such an awful night.
It's my whole family getting in a fight.
Then, later on, they try and do a dance,
But it's not a family reunion 'til my uncle drops his pants.

Drew Carey:
Don't like talking about my family.
No siree, Bob. That's not the subject for me.
But, let me ask you a question. Tell me, Jack.
Am I adopted, 'cause the rest of my family is black?

Colin Mochrie:
Hey, family reunion, about which I'm about to sing.
Strange things are always happening.
I went to see my favourite uncle, but he was not there.
He had an operation. Now he is my Aunt Claire.

Ryan Stiles:
I want to see my relatives, but don't you know it's not right.
Every time we get together, all we do is fight.
I want to see my family, but don't you know, I can't.
We are from the South and my sister is my aunt.

All: My sister is my aunt!

Family Reunion (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
Going to family reunions put me in a funk.
I hang out with my relatives and they all get drunk.
You see, my mom in her childhood, was bad.
I go to these family reunions and try to find my dad.

Drew Carey:
All this talk about relatives really makes me queasy.
I don't like to talk about my family. It makes me a little uneasy.
I have just one question. Can you help me, please?
Am I adopted, 'cause my family is all Chinese?

Colin Mochrie:
Family reunions are things that people hate.
I, personally, think, boy, they're really great.
I have a real good time. I know it sounds real sick,
But I always go there and I can pick up chicks.

Ryan Stiles:
I'll never see my family, and that is just a hunch.
As it turned out, we weren't a very nice bunch.
Oh, no. We're bad. We weren't any Hanson.
I'll never see my family 'cause my name is Charlie Manson.

All: My name is Charlie Manson!

Farmers

​with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I like being a farmer. I think it is fun.
I know a farmer who has a green thumb.
He can grow anything. Trees, weed, even a log.
Who grows the greenest things? Our farmer, Snoop Dogg.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a farmer. I farm every day.
I've got a little crush on the girl across the way.
I'm really shy. I'm not really much of a talker.
I just stare at her from the cornfield. I guess I'm a stalker.

Ryan Stiles:
Being a farmer is kinda slim pickins
That's why I decided to raise a bunch of chickens.
I'm really nice to all of them. I have quite a flock.
I talk nicely to my hens and I always stroke my cock.

Jeff Davis:
Hey, girl. I'm a farmer. That's right. I'm pretty cool.
Would it be alright if I borrowed your mule?
I'll come over to your place tonight
And then I'll grab your ass and plow the field all night.

All: Plow the field all night!

First Kiss

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
When you get a kiss, you get a kiss on the mouth.
I've been kissed lots of times. I'm from Florida. That's the South.
My first kiss, brother, it was the bomb.
It wasn't from a girl in highschool. It was from my mom.

Drew Carey:
Well, my first job was in fast food, don't you know.
The hours were real long and the pay was real low.
My boss told me that he didn't like my sass,
So my first kiss was a hardy "Kiss my ass".

Colin Mochrie:
My first kiss is something I won't forget.
It was really luscious. Boy, it was wet.
It really changed my life. I'll never be the same.
Oh, I wish I could remember the guy's name.

Ryan Stiles:
My first kiss happened when I was really drunk,
But she wouldn't kiss me 'cause she said my breath stunk.
When it came to that date, I was really in a rut.
I should've run some string from my mouth and out my butt.

All: Mouth and out my butt!

Food

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I am an omnivore. I eat anything.
I eat it all because I am the king.
Because it when it comes to eating down, beggers can't be choosers.
Because, if I ate too much, I'd be on "The Biggest Loser".

Colin Mochrie:
I love eating bacon. I like eating beans.
I love all high fiber. The most you've ever seen.
I eat fifty pounds a day. I don't get fat, don't fear,
Because I've had diarrhea for fifteen years.

Greg Proops:
My wife's a vegetarian and she won't eat no meat.
And though she won't eat it, I still think she's so sweet.
When we go to dinner, and come home and go to bed,
She will never eat me, so I eat myself instead.

Jeff Davis:
Well, I like eating roadkill, because I'm a country boy.
I see a critter on the road. It brings me so much joy.
Hell, I am sure glad that I live by a dam.
Lately, I've been eating all the beaver that I can.

All: Beaver that I can!

Gambling

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Here we go!
You can shut me up. I promise I won't ramble.
I always go to Vegas if I want to ramble.
But this time, my reason is a beaut.
I'm gonna go to Vegas to get a prostitute.

Drew Carey:
Oh, if you ever gamble, take some advice from Drew.
There's something you should never ever ever ever do.
What's the best advice? The best advice, I guess,
Is if you ever win big, don't tell the IRS.

Colin Mochrie:
After playing strip poker, I'm naked at the table.
Gee, I feel really bad. I'm really quite unstable.
There's nothing worse like sitting there in your birthday suit.
Never play strip poker at a correctional institute.

Ryan Stiles:
I just heard that Vegas just went broke.
Apparently, it's because of just one single bloke.
They never saught that they'd ever see this day,
But that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet.

All: Drew Carey eats buffet!

Gameshow Hosts

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I watch gameshows. I watch them all day long.
I watch all of them and they have real great theme songs.
But there is something I'll understand with my wife.
If they had a gameshow in south central L.A., it'd be called "Run For Your Life".
What did I say?

Drew Carey:
I hate to tell the story 'cause myself it might embarass,
But the other night, I went out with the daughter of Chuck Barris.
When we went to make love, she did something that's wrong.
I took off my pants and she gave me the gong.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a gameshow host. My life's a game, you see.
I fill it all with danger. I'm in "Jeopardy".
It really is quite wonderful. I do with all my might.
I hang out with prostitutes because "The Price is Right".

Ryan Stiles:
I'm on a gameshow competing against a girl.
When I look at her, it sends my heart in a whirl.
To beat her at this game, it would be so heinous.
I answer to this question. It must be (buzzer sound)

All: Must be (buzzer sound)!

Getting Your Pizza Late

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I ordered a pizza on a movie date
And then I got so mad because that damn pizza was late.
By the time it got there, it was frozen and I cry.
I was so darn angry that I shot the pizza guy.

Kathy Kinney:
I wanted a pizza. I was really hungry.
I can't cook much, so I ordered, you see.
When the pizza came, it was very cold. The cheese was hard and all.
And the sausage was petrified. I was really mad.
Oh!

Colin Mochrie:
I'm waiting for my pizza. It's been three hours now.
I'm getting really angry, just like a British cow.
It really is upsetting. I'm going to really go.
When he gives me my pizza, I won't give him his dough.

Ryan Stiles:
My uncle died yesterday. He owned a pizza place.
Lying in the coffin, he looked peaceful with his face.
Cooking pizzas was so fun, and his name was Sid.
When I opened up the coffin, he was stuck to the lid.

All: Stuck to the lid!

Going Bald

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I am losing my hair and it really is a pain.
I find out every morning when I see the shower drain.
But, as you can see, it isn't quite for me,
But at least I'm not quite as bald as Colin Mochrie.

Drew Carey:
Aww, man. Took my rhyme. I was going to do that.
I have all my hair and I really am quite happy.
I like putting stuff in my hair. It makes me look real stappy.
I love to comb my hair. I never need a breather.
I'm real happy I'm not Colin Mochrie, either.

Colin Mochrie:
People always kid me 'cause I'm losing all my hair.
I can't really help it that I'm follically impaired.
It really is quite horrible, but my life is not true.
I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew.

Ryan Stiles:
Losing all your hair isn't really that bad of a deal.
A lot of women love just the way it feels.
Just think of it as just a little more face
And you can rent it out as advertising space.

All: As advertising space!

Got Arrested (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Don't make fun of the police. I say, "Stop",
Because one of my best friends is a cop.
Because I like the way that they do their thing.
I say, "Hey, it's a good thing my name isn't Rodney King".

Drew Carey:
When I was arrested, it wasn't good for me.
They beat me and they stripped me and they searched my cavity.
"Why did this happen to such a guy?", you say.
Well, to tell you the truth, it was because I was arrested in LA.

Colin Mochrie:
I am quite unbalanced. My mind is not that steady.
I once pummelled a guy with an Eveready.
They took me down to jail and they arrested me,
And they charged me with assault with a battery.

Ryan Stiles:
I got sent to prison. I didn't know what to do.
I felt so bad because I was so new.
Didn't know the ways there. I felt like such a dope,
But now I never bend down to pick up any soap.

All: To pick up any soap!

Got Arrested (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
There I go. I'm in my car cruising.
Problem is, I've been out earlier boozing.
I shouldn't have done the bad things that I did.
The only upside is I was arrested by Ingrid.

Drew Carey:
The subject of my last arrest, well I don't want to delve.
They put me on the ground and showed me their Adam-12.
Then they Starksy and Hutched me, and threw me on the floor.
And that's how I ended up in Hawaii with five hos.

Colin Mochrie:
I've been arrested over twenty times.
I've been arrested for many different crimes.
People think it's horrible, but I think, "What the hell?".
It's not that unusual. I play in the NFL.

Ryan Stiles:
I try to rob every store that I see,
But one time, I got caught by forty cops. How could that be?
I walked right in and I opened up the door.
That's what I get for robbing a donut store.

All: Robbing a donut store!

Halloween

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Yee hee!
Every time it's Halloween, woo, makes room
Because I have the world's best costume.
If you see me, get a sheet, man,
Because I'll pull it over my head and go as the Klu Klux Klan.

Drew Carey:
Halloween's the only time I get a girl.
That's the only time I really give it a whirl.
Never get anyone pregnant. "How is that?", you ask.
Well, it's real easy. I wear a rubber mask.

Colin Mochrie:
This Halloween, I thought it would be fair
If I gave all the kids one real big scare.
It went way too far, and now I'm being sued.
This is the last year that I go as a nude.

Ryan Stiles:
I have the most horrifying costume you've ever seen.
When the children see me, they run away and scream.
When it comes to costumes, there is none more scary.
I put on stupid glasses and go out as Drew Carey.

All: Go out as Drew Carey!

Hockey Player

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Well, I love hockey. The game can't be beat.
Where else can you do a job where you're missing teeth?
I get plenty of dates. See, I'm rarely lonely.
I take off my hockey costume and ride naked on the zamboni.

Drew Carey:
Well, I met a girl last night at the hockey game.
One look at her, I knew things would never be the same.
We went back to my place, and I was in luck.
She wanted to go to bed with me and I said, "Hey, what the puck?".

Colin Mochrie:
(Mouths nothing for three lines)
...My battery pack.

Ryan Stiles:
I'm a hockey goalie and boy, do I feel dumb.
I forgot my shorts, and there is my bum.
All the laughing. Oh, when will it cease?
I guess I look funny with a puck stuck in my crease.

All: A puck stuck in my crease!

Internal Revenue Service

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
Woo hoo!
Got to pay your taxes to the government.
Because, you know, each dollar is so very well spent.
You have got to pay them, but here's a little switch.
I never pay my taxes because I am so rich.

Denny Siegel:
You know, I hate the IRS. They think that they're so tough.
They said when I paid my taxes, I didn't pay enough.
To check me out, they audited my mother and my sis,
So I showed up naked at their door and said, "Hey, audit this!".

Colin Mochrie:
I live in Canada. There is no IRS.
I still have to pay taxes, but I'm not that distressed.
I owe eighteen thousand, but please understand,
I'm not that worried 'cause that's five bucks American.

Denny: Yee haw!

Ryan Stiles:
Singing about the IRS, a bell doesn't ring.
You know, I'm not very good when I have to sing.
Singing these hoedowns on "Whose Line", you know,
But I don't really care 'cause I'm on another show.

All: I'm on another show!

Magicians

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I've always wanted to be a magician all my life.
I go around the house going "Hey! Surprise!", doing those things to my wife.
I want to go to Vegas. Her, I do annoy.
If I was one half of an act, it would be "Siegfried and Leroy".

Drew Carey:
Hoedowns about magicians are really hard to do.
Hard to think of one verse, let alone even two.
Let me tell you something that'll give you a little laugh.
If you take my rhyme again, I'm going to saw your ass in half.

Ryan: There goes mine. Thank you, Drew.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a great magician. I have this special hex.
I can take a man and make him change his sex.
It really is quite simple, the best trick in the world.
I just tickle Wayne's bum and he screams like a girl.

Ryan Stiles:
Colin wants to be a magician and I think he should.
The only problem is he's not very good.
He really sucks. He's the worst in the land.
His best trick is pouring hot coffee on his hand.

All: Hot coffee on his hand!

Marriage

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Well, I was married once, and I was married twice.
I was married not a third time, 'cause that would be thrice.
Do I like marriage? Nope, not one little bit.
"Why do you ask, Wayne?" Well, because I wanna keep my shit.

Jonathan Mangum:
Marriage is a good time, a good time for me.
I met a lovely lady, but there's more to the story.
It's kind of mean, might stab you like some knives.
Sorry, Wayne. I've been with all three of your wives.

Colin Mochrie:
On my wedding day, it was so hard for me to focus
Because my lovely bride had a case of halitosis.
I hope that no one else had noticed this rocky start.
Until the priest said "'Til breath do you part".

Ryan Stiles:
I'm marrying a girl. She's a little messy.
At times, she reminds me of a very young Joe Pesci.
I'd like to stop it but I don't know what to-
'

Wayne: Of a young? Of a young?
Colin: A young Joe Pesci?
Wayne: Not just of Joe Pesci. Of a young Joe Pesci.
Aisha Tyler: Young Joe Pesci.

Ryan:
I'm marrying a girl and her name is Rhoda.
At times, she reminds me of a very young Abe Vigoda.

Colin: Oh God! Even Yoda would've been-
Ryan: I know!
Wayne: Google search engine is in overdrive right now.
Ryan: Okay. I'm ready.
Aisha: I believe in you, Ryan!

Ryan:
I'm getting married next week. Don't wanna be a grump,
But this girl is a huge fan of Donald Trump.
I'd like to break it off. I don't know what to say.
Maybe she'd believe me if I told her I was gay.

All: Told her I was gay!

Men

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I've got a message to all of you gals.
I'm a sensitive man, so why can't we be pals?
I know sometimes in the past, I hadn't treat you right.
That's why I'm taking hormones. Whoop! I'm a transvestite.

Chip Esten:
Men can be quite mean. Men can be quite bad.
I bet you had a boyfriend. I bet he was a cad.
I don't really like men, myself. That, I can tell,
But my friend, Ryan, well, he thinks they're swell.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a man. I love films with violence.
I like to watch them every day, even when they don't make sense.
I saw this one with a guy with a gun. His shots would never miss ya.
Then he'd hit you with a flower. He was Dirty Harry Krishna.

Ryan Stiles:
Let me tell you all about men. I walk the walk.
I don't care what people say. Just let them talk.
All the rumours going around, I - yeah, they're kind of scary.
I guess I'm going to have to stop, uh, showering with Drew Carey.

All: Showering with Drew Carey!

Midterms

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
I don't like to study, but I have no fear.
I'd rather sit in my dorm room and drink lots of beer.
If I fail my tests, I have this special scheme.
It doesn't matter what my grades, I'm on the football team.

Wayne Brady:
First from my family, I was such a smarty.
When I got to college, all I did was yell and party.
Graduation should've been a time I celebrated,
But I missed my midterms 'cause I was inebriated.

Colin Mochrie:
I'm in the middle of midterms. From my study room, I do not stir.
Everything's coming at me. There's too much pressure.
I can't take it! I can't take it!
(curls up and cries)

Ryan Stiles:
We are having midterms this afternoon in class.
Oh boy, this time I really hope I pass.
There's nothing that I'd like to do more than walk out that door,
But I better hurry 'cause I'm turning sixty-four.

All: Turning sixty-four!

Movie Ushers

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Now, here's a little something that I have to say.
There is one person who ruins a matinee.
Always trying to stop me. Yes I bet
That movie usher wants to touch my Raisinets.

Drew Carey:
The other day, to the movies, man I had to go.
The music wasn't much and the plot, it was so-so.
Don't you think that one day I'd be learning?
Never go to the movies and do an impression of Pee Wee Herman.

Colin Mochrie:
I went to the movie the other day. I put down all my money.
I got in a fight with the usher. It wasn't funny.
I hit him really hard. He wished he never wasn't born,
And to get his revenge, he peed in my popcorn.

Ryan Stiles:
I'm at the movie theatre every Tuesday without fail.
This time, I'm going to see a swashbuckling tale.
I am going to sit in the back row, watch it from afar.
And this pirate movie, it is rated "Arrrrrgh".

All: It is rated "Arrrrrgh"!

Moving

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
Oh, I work for a mover right here in Hollywood.
I pull up my truck and you know it's all good.
I had to move Drew Carey and it was real queer.
He didn't have no belongings, just a million cans of beer.

Drew Carey:
Last September, I had a stressful day.
I had to pack my stuff and move away.
But one thing went wrong. Man, oh, man.
I couldn't fit my fat ass in the van.

Colin Mochrie:
I had to help a friend move. He worked in the coal mines.
Because of doctor's orders, he had to move to warmer climes.
It really turned out badly. I know I shouldn't whine,
But I was arrested for transporting a miner over the state line.

Ryan Stiles:
Maybe this is the hoedown, I'll do really good this time.
Hey, this is easy. I'm really starting to rhyme.
It's going great. Boy, I hope I have some luck
'Cause last time, I mess up and said a word that rhymes with "duck".

All: A word that rhymes with "duck"!

Pilots (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
You wanna be a pilot? That's a really good job,
But you stay at home and you act just like a slob.
You smoke pot all day and I just don't know why.
Just because you get high, that don't mean that you can fly.

Chip Esten:
Oh, hello. I'm your pilot. This news is kind of rough.
I studied hard at flying, but I guess just not enough.
We're gonna crash now. We're going down for sure,
'Cause when I use the bathroom, well, I locked the cockpit door.

Ryan Stiles:
Hey, here's another stewardess, and this one's really fine.
I called her up front 'cause I'm gonna make her mine.
She's the number one. She's the one I pick.
Why don't you wander over here and sit on my joystick?

Jeff Davis:
Well, I'm really attracted to the gal in 2C.
All through this flight, she's been coming on to me.
We're going to start our landing. I know she is wishin'
That I am locked in the upright position.

Ryan: Why didn't I do that?!

Pilots (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
A pilot is a great job. You get to fly.
You kiss gravity and the ground bye-bye.
Chip got a really great job. It made me a believer.
I can't wait until CBS gives me a drama, or I wouldn't do this shit either.

Chip Esten:
I love me a pilot. It really is so dear.
I do appreciate the way he flew me here.
I love all you guys, and I do appreciate.
You all look fantastic, and Drew looks freakin' great.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I love my stewardess. She's better than the rest.
Oh my god, you should see the size of her breast.
I called her up. Oh yeah. She knows here to sit.
Come right over here on my cockpit.

Jeff Davis:
Well, my name is Captain Sulley. I landed in the water.
I cannot fly a plane like I know I aughter.
I didn't get no kudos. I didn't get no thanks.
But I don't give a hooey. I'm being played by Tom Hanks.

All: Played by Tom Hanks!

Plastic Surgery (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Here is some news I heard all over the place.
Michael Jackson had surgery to fix his face.
He didn't think that he looked good. He started sulking.
I saw him the other day. He looks just like Macaulay Culkin.

Chip Esten:
Alright. Okay.
I know something nice. It isn't so darn nasty.
You could just be a doctor and go giving rhinoplasty.
Michael Jackson had some. It wasn't just his loss.
Instead of one Michael Jackson, now there's two Diana Ross.

Colin Mochrie:
The plastic surgery didn't work, I must confess.
My, my face is now one big bad mess.
Here's a little hint if any of you go,
Make sure your doctor isn't Dr. Picasso.

Ryan Stiles:
I wanted surgery but my doc said "No".
I had to force him 'cause I had no place to go.
I had to threaten him with my big old mouser.
Now I look just like a grown up Doogie Howser.

All: Grown up Doogie Howser!

Plastic Surgery (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Chip Esten:
Woooo hooo! Oh, once I was so ugly, I really did look nasty
Until I saw the doctor and I got rhinoplasty.
I went back and I went back. I didn't know when to stop.
You might not recognize me. I was the King of Pop.

Drew Carey:
Well, one I always thought wasn't really for me
Was the thought of plastic surgery.
But let me tell you, brother, and let me tell you, Jim,
Before I had my face done, I used to look like him.
(Points to Colin)

Colin Mochrie:
My plastic surgeon gave me a face that is so new,
And he also threw in a hair trainsplant, too.
Oh, it's really wonderful, but people made a crack
Because they got all the hair from Drew Carey's back.

Ryan Stiles:
I went to the doctor. I thought it was funny.
What I wanted to do cost a lot of money.
He did it right away and never made a fuss.
I took some of the inches from my feet and put 'em on my penis.

All: Put 'em on my penis!

Plastic Surgery (3)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Chip Esten:
I really was so ugly, I looked just like a sturgeon
And so I went to Hollywood and got myself a surgeon.
He pulled it on much tighter, and here's the final crack.
I got so much surgery, my ears meet in the back.

Drew Carey:
Well, I went to my plastic surgeon and said that I would let her,
Let her have a crack at me to see if I could look better.
Then when it was over, I said, "Hey, thanks for trying.
At least when you got done with me, I didn't look like Ryan".

Colin Mochrie:
My mother had plastic surgery. She uses it like a crutch.
She's had it seven times already. I think that's too much.
I think that is way too much. Hey, but what the heck,
She's been lifted so much, her bum is at her neck.

Ryan Stiles:
I think I was looking better all around the clock,
So I've got some money and I went to see the doc.
I looked in the mirror and I didn't know what to do,
So I thought that I might shoot myself because I look like Drew.

All: Because I look like Drew!

Plastic Surgery (4)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I moved to Beverly Hills, 'cause they're so good.
I'm gonna get some work done because I'm all Hollywood.
I got this done, this tucked, this snipped, this pushed up. Imagine that.
Guess how old I am. I'll tell you. I'm 93. Why? Black don't crack.

Colin Mochrie:
I had plastic surgery, wanted to look my best.
I thought I would have some, and my money, I'd invest.
My surgeon wasn't thorough. In fact, he worked very fast
And now I just walk around with my head up my ass.

Ryan: I have variation on that one.
Colin: Alright.
Wayne: Here we go!

Ryan Stiles:
I'm turning 31, and gonna give myself a gift.
I'm gonna fork out money and get a little lift.
I just had it done now. Everything's in place.
Just one problem now. My dick is on my face.

Jeff Davis:
My girlfriend got a boobjob. It turned out pretty good.
They're just a little hard though. They feel like they're made of wood.
But, still, I get turned on everything her shirt unzips.
The only problem is, I get splinters in my lips.

All: Splinters in my lips!

Playboy Photographers

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Well, I've got a job. Now, don't you all laugh.
I work for Hugh Hefner. I take photographs.
But I stopped the day, I don't want to be rude,
But you said, "Hey, Wayne. Take pictures of Drew nude".

Drew Carey:
When I was young, I took up photography,
Then I worked for Playboy. Hehehehehe.
What's the best thing about working over there?
Well, I saw Wayne's mom in her underwear.

Wayne: How did you know?
Drew: You've got a fine mama.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a photographer, but I'm not the best.
I have a hard time photographing chests.
I called an expert who lived out west
Because when it comes to this, father knows breast.

Ryan Stiles:
I'm taking pictures of Drew out by his pool.
He wants to be in the nude. I think that's kind of cool.
He's paying me lots of money, all of it in tens.
After looking at him, I think I'll need a telephoto lense.

All: A telephoto lense!

Plumbers

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
What's up, Aisha?
She says I'm lazy and I need to get a job.
She threw the want ads at my head and said, "Stop being a slob".
Woman, stop nagging me. I hate you every little bit.
You know, maybe I should be a plumber. Why? Because I take your shit.

Colin Mochrie:
I should've been thinking while you were singing.
There was a recent job I was called upon.
A guy had dropped a pear in the toilet, in the john.
I, it was easy. I didn't have to repair.
I just turned the handle, 'cause a flush beats a pear.

Ryan Stiles:
I can see your bathroom habits have really taken a toll.
I can see your big fat ass stuck in that bowl.
I'll spread your ass with butter and pop you like a cork.
Ffff... I got it!

Wayne: I wanna see where this is going.
Colin: Yeah, I wanna see where this is going.
Wayne: "I spread your ass with butter and pop you like a cork."

Ryan:
I can see your bathroom habits have really taken a toll.
Your big fat ass is stuck right in that bowl.
I'll spread you with butter. I really don't know what to do.
We'll pop you like a cork and then you can have a poo.

Wayne: I liked the butter part. It made me happy.

Brad Sherwood:
When your bowels are rumbling, you feel like you might explode.
You better hurry up and get your ass on the commode.
Dookie, cacka, poopoo. Those are the words.
Those are all my favourite synonyms for turds.

All: Synonyms for turds!

Police Officer

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I always wanted to join the LAPD, LA's best,
But I can't see, so I failed the vision test.
I went one night to the church and prayed under the steeple.
I wanted to be a cop so bad that I joined the Village People.

Drew Carey:
Next year, I'm going to marry me a lady cop,
'Cause with her the sex is something I can't top.
"What's so sexy about her?", iIs that what you said?
Well, I love it when she reads me my rights and cuffs me to the bed.

Colin Mochrie:
I was once the best cop in all the land.
People, as they saw me go, "Boy, is he grand".
I was so respected. Believe me, I'm not lying,
'Til I got fired for making an "H" with Ryan.

Ryan Stiles:
I got busted once and boy, did that hurt.
He wasn't very big. He was a little squirt.
He tried to frisk me, threw me up against a wall.
He had to get a ladder 'cause I'm over six feet tall.

All: Over six feet tall!

Pregnancy Tests

with Laura Hall at the piano and Linda Taylor on guitar

Wayne: Yee hee hooo hooo!

Greg Proops:
Hey, I've got a girlfriend. You know, her name is Ruth.
The reason that I love her is she always tells truth.
We have not made love, not once since our inception.
But now she's pregnant, she tells me it's immaculate conception.

Wayne Brady:
I had this girly. Yes, she was the best
Because she caused me, yes, a lot of stress.
She drove me crazy and drove me insane.
She showed me a little strip and said, "Here's a little Wayne".

Colin Mochrie:
I took a pregnancy test. It really was a topper
Because it took place upon a helicoptor.
My girlfriend, she went the full term,
And all because the whirly bird got the sperm.

Ryan Stiles:
My girlfriend is pregnant. I just heard from her.
Thinking about it, it just makes me go "Grrr".
Someone makes me nervous. Someone bring me towels
'Cause when I just went "Grrr", I emptied all my bowels.

All: Emptied all my bowels!

Probation Officer

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Here's a little fact that I think you oughta know.
I got out of jail about two months ago.
I'm stuck in my house all alone.
Because of this bracelet, I can never leave my home.
Ow!

Drew Carey:
My idea of fun is to go to Alabama
To see all my friends who are stuck there in the slammer.
Then I find a frog or a tadpole
And I take them into a room and I violate parole.

Colin Mochrie:
I've got a probation officer. He's not very tough.
He doesn't have that many rules. My life is not that rough.
Life is pretty easy, if you know what I mean,
'Cause my probation officer is Charlie Sheen.

Ryan Stiles:
My officer wants me to go back to jail.
I thought I was scot-free. I thought that I made bail.
When I go back, I know that I will do life.
The really bad part is that I'm everybody's wife.

All: He's everybody's wife!

Puberty

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
My voice is high and screechy. My hair was lank and freaky.
I walked around the school feeling full-on totally geeky,
But the thing I hated most when I went to the dance
Was getting dragged across the lawn in my underpants.

Drew Carey:
Well, I hated highschool. I did not have a ball.
I just hated walking through the hall.
I hated going to every class
'Cause the pimples on my face, but now they're on my ass.

Colin Mochrie:
The hardest time of my life was going through puberty.
It seemed like everything around just excited me.
Now, listen to me now. This isn't one of my rants.
When you go through puberty, do not wear sweatpants.

Ryan Stiles:
I didn't handle the puberty thing too well.
In fact, for me, it was like going to Hell.
And it was kind of embarassing, if the truth be told,
'Cause when I went through it, I was 42 years old.

All: 42 years old!

Rock Star (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
If you don't like music, well, you better stop.
I love rock musicians and those kids who sing pop.
Oh, you say, "I don't like that music"? Yeah, that's what you think.
But trust me, nobody gets more booty than that group, N'Sync.

Drew Carey:
When I became a rock star, I thought it would be sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
I thought that all the women would really take their toll.
But now there's this fact that really makes me loopy.
Colin Mochrie is my only groupie.

Colin Mochrie:
I am a member of the world's oldest band.
I slept with every supermodel in the land.
Well, I didn't get one, but that is her loss.
A Rolling Stone never gets no Kate Moss.

Ryan Stiles:
I want to be a rock star. Oh, that I can see.
I think that that would be the job for me.
Rock and roll isn't the best music I found,
But at least they don't have to do a stinkin' hoedown.

All: Stinkin' hoedown!

Rock Star (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I love being a rock star. Pop stars make me sick.
I fly around the world and I get a lot of chicks.
The best part of being a rock star that I thunk,
Because I sing my songs and-
(faints)

Drew Carey:
Yeah, I love being a rock star. I make them pay me in pearls.
I make lots of money and get lots of teenage girls.
And when I'm singing, I really got the power.
Yeah, I'm a rock star when I'm naked in the shower.

Colin Mochrie:
I wish I was a rock star. My image would be good.
I would look so verile, like any rock star should.
I'd put a cucumber in my pants so it looks like I don't lack.
Of course, it'd look much better if it wasn't in the back.

Ryan Stiles:
I want to be a rock star. That's what I want to do.
I bet every one of you would like to be one too.
I'd like to sing rock and roll. That's my kind of sound.
You'd never hear me singing a stinkin' hoedown.

All: A stinkin' hoedown!

Roommates

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I like having roommates. It's kinda like family.
So, I've got 400 people, they's living with me.
Sometimes we all work out together, and we talk, and they just listen.
All of my roommates live with me in prison.

Colin Mochrie:
I have a lot of roommates. We live in a small space.
It really is so crowded. It brings a frown to my face.
It really is so horrible. It really makes me squirm.
I've got thousands of them. I'm a sperm.

Chip Esten:
When I look back on all the money that I spent,
I had to get a roommate, someone to split the rent.
He really is a pain, living with him there.
At least in the shower, the drain's not full of hair.

Colin: Hahahahahaha! This guy!

Ryan Stiles:
My roommate, he really is quite strange.
I'm thinking that it might be time for a change.
Why he calls me "Mother", it doesn't make much sense.
I guess that's what happened when your roommate is Mike Pence.

All: Your roommate is Mike Pence!

Ryan's Wife

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Ryan, he was really tired of the dating scene.
He wanted to get a spouse who was never mean.
He wanted a girl with brains and a girl that was kind of finer,
So he mail-ordered a chick all the way from China.
What? It's a mail-order bride!

Drew Carey:
When Ryan first met his wife, she fell in love with his nose.
She couldn't wait to rip off all his clothes.
But then she found out something that made her die.
What they say about guys with a big nose and big feet... it's a lie.

Colin Mochrie:
Oh, Ryan Stiles. I love to be his wife.
He's the best lover that I've ever had in my life.
After we made love, boy, I'm really high steppin'.
Mel Gibson isn't the only one with a "Lethal Weapon".

Ryan Stiles:
Getting married is what I always wanted to do.
The happiest day was when my wife said, "I love you".
We're the happiest couple to anyone who's seen us,
And it beats the hell out of a'sitting around and pulling my own penis.

All: Pulling my own penis!

Scary Wife

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Oh, I got married about a year ago.
I'm as happy as can be. I think you all should know.
But my wife I'm glad I did marry,
Except in the morning, she looks like Drew Carey.

Drew Carey:
Well, Wayne gets worried about his little wife
'Cause she is the love of his life.
But every night just about 3,
Oh, Wayne. She's out with me.

Colin Mochrie:
Every night, my wife scares the life out of me
With her ugly hair and scars all you can see.
Marrying someone that ugly really wasn't my plan.
I accidentally married Dennis Rodman.

Ryan Stiles:
You know that my wife, she is my best pal.
I will have to say that she is quite a gal.
When it comes to wives, she is the best.
She's the finest in the land. Phew, now I'll get some sex.

All: Now I'll get some sex!

Shoplifting

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Wooooo! I sure love this one! When I was younger, took a field trip to the zoo.
I was really mischievous, so here's what I would do.
But my crime, damn, it made me dance.
I tried to stick a cheetah and a rhino in my pants.

Greg Proops:
When I go out to a store, I never like to pay.

Wayne: What for?

Greg:
I've got five finger discount. I just take it away.
I never pay for nothing. I don't pay no rent,
And I never tell the truth 'cause I'm the President.

Colin Mochrie:
The other day, I stole something. It really was a sin.
It was a little revolver made of gelatin.
It really was a bad idea. It was something I should've slept on
'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

Ryan Stiles:
Shopping the correct way can be such a bore.
I have to steal everything when I go in a store.
Not to loot and take things can be really hard,
But I guess I shouldn't 'cause I am a security guard.

All: Am a security guard!

Skydiving

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
When I started dating, they say "You're insane.
Wayne, why do you take your dates up in a plane?".
Because, I know that a girl loves the way I go,
And so if the date goes well, guess who'll be yelling "Geronimo!".

Drew Carey:
Well, I say skydiving's the best way to call it off
When you and your girlfriend had just had enough.
And here's how you do it, and don't think that I'm insane.
You get her up there, take her chute off, and kick her off the plane.

Colin Mochrie:
I jumped out of the plane. My parachute, it failed.
All the blood rushed from me. My complexion paled.
Everywhere, you could hear my scared call.
Luckily, all my urine broke my fall.

Ryan Stiles:
I was skydiving when my parachute failed.
I couldn't stop. I just sailed and sailed and sailed.
But I looked around and I was no dummy.
I survived 'cause I landed on Drew Carey's tummy.

All: On Drew Carey's tummy!

Snoring

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I hate my roommate. I hate him, if you please.
He's really loud and chopping logs and he's a'sawing z's.
I don't know why he makes so much noise in his bed,
But last night, I had too much and cut off his head.

Wayne Brady:
My wife says my snoring, it is way too loud.
My wife, my snoring, and me. That's a real big crowd.
My wife, she hates it when I'm snoring and I'm laying prone
Because my snoring covers up my wife's moans.

Colin Mochrie:
I'm a loud snorer. I do it all the time.
The way my wife goes on about it, you'd think it is a crime.
It really is so horrible. I wish I could stop real close.
The worst thing of all, though, I don't snore through my nose.

Ryan Stiles:
I snore real loudly each and every night.
Sometimes my wife and I get into a huge fight.
I guess it's kind of bad. I don't show a lot of class.
I snore so hard, I suck the sheets right up my ass.

All: Sheets right up my ass!

Speeding Ticket

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you a story. Just the other day,
I was stopped by a cop for speeding around the way.
All those speed limits, you know that I did break it,
But I wasn't speeding in a car. I was streaking butt naked.

Drew Carey:
I drive fast. I do it all the time.
Usually 105, sometimes 109.
Burning rubber, flipping off the CHP,
'Cause they don't give no ticket to a rich celebrity.

Colin Mochrie:
I did 120 while riding my bike.
I was stopped by a great big cop. His name was Mike.
I got up to the speed by unusual means.
I knew I shouldn't have had that extra helping of beans.

Ryan Stiles:
One day as a joke, I gave a cop the finger.
I took off real fast. I didn't want to linger.
I headed on the freeway. I didn't get too far.
Stupid me, I was walking. I wasn't in a car.

All: Wasn't in a car!

Superman

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Being Superman, it is really fun
Because you'd have powers and I'd use every one.
I would do it and fight for right,
And then I would party because it's Krypto-night.

Drew Carey:
Well, Superman is hunky and he looks good in his tights.
He keeps ladies thinking of him at nights.
But there's one thing that causes ladies pain.
When he makes love to them, he's faster than a train.

Chip Esten:
Oh, Colin does remember all the time he spent
Wishing he were Superman, or at least Clark Kent.
He waited all his life. He waited for that day.
But just like Superman, his hair was up, up, and away.

Ryan Stiles:
Just like Superman, I've got special powers.
I have fun with them. I could use them for hours.
With my X-Ray vision, I can do no wrong.
Right now, I'm looking at Drew Carey's thong.

All: At Drew Carey's thong!

Surgery

with Laura Hall at the piano

Greg Proops:
When I went to med school, I was very proud.
When I got my diploma, I yelled right out loud.
I did an operation and I did my part.
His name was Newt Gingrich and I removed his heart.

Drew Carey:
I had an operation to take out my appendix.
The name of my doctor was Dr. Bendix.
I hoped soon that I'd get out all my stitches
'Cause let me tell you, brother, they hurt like sons of guns.

Colin Mochrie:
Throughout my life, I used to laugh like this, "Hee hee hee".
Not so since I had some major surgery.
It really went horrible. It realized all my fears.
Because of that surgery, I now pee out my ears.

Ryan Stiles:
My brother needed surgery, but we both were broke.
I took him to a veterinarian as a little joke.
He never complained. I didn't hear a peep,
So I thought, "What the hell?", and had him put to sleep.

All: Had him put to sleep!

Talk Shows

with Laura Hall at the piano

Chip Esten:
Yeeeeee haw!
Well, I went on a talk show 'cause I am such a swinger.
I could've gone on "Sally", but instead I went on "Springer".
I never knew just what I could say. I know sometimes I can't.
I came on with my transvestite gay lesbian second aunt.

Drew Carey:
Well, I died recently and I went straight to Hell.
What happened to me, I just can't tell.
All I know is every day on TV,
I was a guest of "Regis and Kathie Lee".

Colin Mochrie:
I play at the stadium of baseball games.
I once got censored. That's my claim to fame.
It really was done by the censor named Morgan
When I told the crowd I loved to play with my organ.

Ryan Stiles:
When I watch TV, I like to sit in the back.
My favourite show is "When Animals Attack".
Once I saw this thing with a big bum. It was all hairy.
Then it turned around. I noticed it was Drew Carey.

All: It was Drew Carey!

Television

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
When I was growing up, my life was really fun.
I was a latchkey kid. I was raised by reruns.
All that was deep in me, a gap needed to fill us.
The thing I love to say was "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?".

Drew Carey:
Here's my story. Hope you don't think I'm a moron,
But I like to watch TV without any clothes on.
Sometimes it raises a fuss. Raises up a storm
'Cause I'm always watching it in the lounge in my dorm.

Colin Mochrie:
The other day, I went out and got a new TV.
Just the thought of watching it filled me up with glee.
But when I turned it on, you know, boy, I really lost it
Because the only thing it picked up was "Veronica's Closet".

Ryan Stiles:
As an actor, there's nothing on TV.
I think they should have a show about me.
I don't think that's on. I don't think that's real scary,
And it'll happen when I murder Drew Carey.

All: Murder Drew Carey!

Tourists and Kids at the Cinema

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
Tourists are the ones in shorts with sandals on their feet.
When I drive around, I run them over in the street.
I do that for my town's own protection.
I am singing this song for the ignored section.

Karen Maruyama:
Tourists from Japan are really the best.
They're used to traveling without any rest.
I look just like them, aww, what the heck,
Except that I don't have a great big camera on my neck.

Colin Mochrie:
The other day, I was at a movie. The kids were all loud.
They were making noise and throwing stuff. What an ugly crowd.
I told them there something, and then they all cried.
I ruined the movie, told them Bambi's mother died.

Ryan Stiles:
I hate it at the movies when all the kids scream.
I have to admit that is really not my scene.
But one thing's for sure, an usher I will not call.
I just sit in front of them. I'm over six feet tall.

All: Over six feet tall!

Vending Machines

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
I'm a human vending machine. It's really awfully dandy.
Just give me your money 'cause my belly's full of candy.
Look back through the display, in the window, here's the glass.
Give me your quarter. I'll shoot some candy out my ass.

Wayne Brady:
I love vending machines. That is why I sing.
In this newfangled age, you can get almost anything.
You can get a Bible if you're a theologian,
And if you're really horny you can even get a Trojan.

Colin Mochrie:
There's a song about a vending machine. I hope it makes much sense.
Just listen very carefully, because it's totally in French.
Le chocolate, le chips, eh oui, Eh bon, le don machine.
Eh, ma leh. C'est le lou, la fou. Ooh, le cash et grou.

Ryan Stiles:
Singing a song about a vending machine.
Don't you know that's really not my scene.
Trying to think of something clever with a little twist.
If we do another hoedown, I'll slit my fucking wrist.

All: Slit my fucking wrist!

Village People

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I love the Village People, and now please don't get me wrong.
I love "YMCA", and girl, that's my song.
But you see, in San Francisco is where they belong,
And all them Village People inspired me to wear my thong.

Drew Carey:
I love the Village People. They give me confidence,
Even though I'm not too bright. I am rather dense.
I have a fat white body and I don't have a tan,
But when I put on leather pants, I am a "Macho Man".

Colin Mochrie:
About the Village People, I have a lot of facts.
Did you know they made a movie? Yes, they acts.
It really is quite wonderful. I can't believe my eyes.
If you laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.

Ryan Stiles:
I don't like the Village People. I think they're kind of rude.
Don't you know, their lyrics can be kind of crude.
When it's on my stereo, I always hit the mute.
But I'll have to admit, the indian's kind of cute.

All: Indian's kind of cute!

Weddings

with Laura Hall at the piano

Brad Sherwood:
My wife is so cute. She's from North Carolina.
We decided to get married off in China.
One billion people came and it was really nice,
And after the ceremony, they threw pork-fried rice.

Patrick Bristow:
I am getting married. I'll get drunk and go on a bender.
All I really want is a really nice blender.
When we get married, on our honeymoon, we'll have one room.
He and I are both the groom.

Colin Mochrie:
When I think of my wedding day, it really sticks out in my mind.
Gee, I love that woman. She was one great find.
When I think of that night, boy, the memories do flow.
On our honeymoon, we stayed up all night and watched "The Drew Carey Show".

Ryan Stiles:
I get so excited when I go a wedding.
I get really bad, you have to change my bedding.
I must've kissed the bride for three hours at least.
That was the wrong thing because I am the priest.

All: Because I am the priest!

Weight

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I'm going to tell you folks a little tale
About how I won the battle of the scale.
See, my weight would hurt me. My heart, it would break it.
How I lost weight? I picture Drew standing naked.

Drew Carey:
Well, people always ask me, "Hey, Drew. Did you lose weight?".
And I tell them, "Thanks. I feel great".
I find a diet plan that is like no other.
I burn all my calories spanking Wayne's mother.

Colin Mochrie:
I don't think it's funny that I'm overweight.
People make fun of me. Boy, that isn't great.
The things that they said, boy, it's made me cry.
Some kid snuck up and wrote "Good Year" on my side.
Like the blimp.

Ryan Stiles:
Singing about weight, I don't know where to begin.
As you've noticed, I really am quite thin.
I watch my weight. I don't want to end up dead.
There's very few calories in licking Colin's head.

All: Licking Colin's head!

Winning the Lottery (1)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
If I had money, here's what I'd do, you see.
I'd make it my mission to help celebrities.
I'd even help one guy who I consider my friend.
I'd spend all of my money to make Michael Jackson black again.

Drew Carey:
Well, if I won the lottery, here's what I would do.
I'd buy a car and maybe a house or two.
But this is what I'm wondering and this is what I'm asking.
If you won the lottery, why would you waste it on Michael Jackson?

Colin Mochrie:
I'm sitting here on my couch, watching the TV.
They're picking all the numbers of my favourite lottery.
I am so excited when fortune calls.
I've never been so happy with someone picking my balls.

Ryan Stiles:
Winning the lottery would be kind of funny.
Boy, I don't know what I'd do with all that money.
A lot of people think that it would be kind of scary,
But I would buy this show and fire Drew Carey.

All: Fire Drew Carey!

Winning the Lottery (2)

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
If I won the lottery, I would do lots of good.
I would do exactly what a friend should.
Because you see, I love you guys. Let me explain.
I'd take all my money and buy Colin some Rogaine.
'Cause I love you!

Drew Carey:
Oh, I won the lottery. A million smackeroos.
That'll really keep me in underoos.
The only thing that really is a bummer,
I can't spend my money 'cause I'm in jail for running numbers.

Colin Mochrie:
I have won the lottery. My riches, I can flaunt.
I don't care about anything. I can do anything I want.
(Punches Wayne, hugs an audience member, and runs around the studio)

Ryan Stiles:
I'm sure all that money would be really hard to spend.
I'm sure it seems like it would never never end.
I could give it to charities, or so I am told,
But I think I'll just have my penis dipped in gold.

All: Penis dipped in gold!

Working Out

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I love to work out because I get a date.
So I don't hesitate to go and grab a rate.
People, here's a fact I bet you didn't know.
I got my butt this tight because I do Tae-Bo.

Drew Carey:
Well, people always ask me, "How do you stay in shape?".

Wayne: How?

Drew:
"How'd you get that body? Is it lifting weights?".
Well, let me tell you something. My secret, I hold dear.
I got this body by lifting cans of beer.
Hey!

Colin Mochrie:
I don't like to work out 'cause I'm very meek,
I really can't do anything strenuous 'cause I'm very weak.
When I do actually work out, people filled with smiles.
I can't lift anything heavy so I benchpress Ryan Stiles.

Ryan Stiles:
I really don't have to sing this song anymore.
It could gr- turn out to be a real big bore.
I know I'll win this game. I'm not better than the rest,
But I'm sleeping with Denny and she's behind the desk.

All: She's behind the desk!

Wrestler

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
Every Saturday, I'm at home doing my thing,
Watching great big fellers run around in the ring.
I sit there. Me and Drew turn off the sound,
And then we get freaky and do our own version of "Smackdown".

Drew Carey:
Well, I'm a wrestler. I love it, don't you see?
It's really healthy and I make lots of money.
The only thing I don't like that gives me such a fright
Is when I see Ryan in his little tights.

Colin Mochrie:
I am wrestler. Let me on the loose.
Over the years, I've taken lots of abuse.
My head has been smacked. I've been hit in the turnbuckle.
Because of all my injuries, I lost the ability to rhyme.

Ryan Stiles:
I hate wrestling. I think they're all on the take.
The way they throw themselves around, I'm sure that it is fake.
The way they act, you'd think that they're really dead,
But can they break a neon light by slamming it with their head?

All: Slamming it with their head!

You're Ugly

with Laura Hall at the piano

The audience claps out of rhythm for awhile, before anyone sings. Greg Proops conducts everyone back on rhythm.

Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you, something happened just the other day.
My date was so ugly, I almost ran away.
She was just horrific. Where can I begin?
When that heffer was born, her mama should've pushed her back in.
Ooh, just ugly!

Drew Carey:
I met a girl at a night club. It was pretty dark.
Thought I'd take her home just for a lark,
But when I saw her in the light, I ran a mile
'Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles.
Hehehehehe..

Colin Mochrie:
I'm an ugly woman. Yes, it is not fair.
I have an ugly face and I have no hair.
What can I do? That's the way the fates went.
The only person who'll sleep with me is the President.

Ryan Stiles:
I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover.
When I leave the house, all the dogs run for cover.
I'm big and white and round, and my back is real hairy.
Yes, you guessed it. My name is Drew Carey.

All: Name is Drew Carey!

Zoo

with Laura Hall at the piano

Wayne Brady:
I met my girl at the zoo and that's no junk.
I'm dating an elephant that, she has a trunk,
And I love her. I give her my allegiance.
Why, she doesn't want money. She just works for peanuts.

Drew Carey:
Well, we went to the zoo, my girlfriend and I,
Just to see some rhinoceri.
But there weren't any around so we went out to the lake,
And I went underwater and I showed her my snake.

Colin Mochrie:
I went to the zoo with my lovely girl.
We had lots of fun there. We gave our love a whirl.
Boy, we had such a really good time.
This last line would be funny, but Drew took my rhyme.

Ryan Stiles:
A zoo is a place I don't want to be.
All of the animals really frighten me.
Here comes a hippo. Oh no, it's kind of scary.
Oh, it's not a hippo. It's just Drew Carey.

All: It's just Drew Carey

Melissa

Cop Shows

Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, those cop shows, they give me such a fright.
And it seems like they are on every single night.
Sure, you can watch 'em if you really want a scare.
Thursdays at 8, you can see Melissa's underwear.

All: Melissa's underwear!

Censorship

Ryan Stiles:
I hate it when they cut it. Boy, they're such a snob.
But, I guess in a way, that is just their job.
They sit backstage and they act all snooty,
But I hope they don't cut Melissa's nice tight booty.

All: Melissa's nice tight booty!

Traffic

Ryan Stiles:
Talking about traffic, it is boring all the time.
It's hard to think about something that'll rhyme.
Traffic, ah. Who cares? It's got no kind of class.
But, once again, I've gotta mention Melissa's ass.

All: Mention Melissa's ass!

Bloopers

Halloween

Ryan Stiles:
I have to say that Halloween is my favourite day.
When I open up the door, kids and mothers run away.
I have no costume. I don't care in the land.
I open up the door, I've got my penis in my hand.
What do you want? Everybody took mine!

Mosquito Bites

Colin Mochrie:
A mosquito came up and he bit, bit me.
He took all my blood. Can't you see how? See?
I have a lot of blood loss.
(faints)

Commercials

Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm an advertiser and I'm a groovy guy.
I sit around thinking of stuff that you can buy.
Lots of stuff you don't need. That will make... Fuck me…in the ass.

ATM Machines

Brad Sherwood:
I was feeling frisky. I went for a drive.
I took all my handguns and shot myself alive.
Ah...

Wayne Brady:
I consider myself quite a fugal frella.
But sometimes... shut up.
Keep it going!

Colin Mochrie:
I went to the machine to take out some money
And then I noticed there was something funny.
As I came closer, my heart, boy it sank.
It was an ATM machine for a sperm bank.

Internal Revenue Service

Ryan Stiles
I don't file my taxes every single year.
I guess it's the IRS I really really fear.
I guess that's bad of me. Doesn't show a lot of class.
But every time I do, they seem to fuck me up the ass.

All: Fuck me up the ass!

Valet Parking

Greg Proops
Well, I'm a valet parker. This is my valet vest.
When you give me your car, I'll treat it the best.
I will drive a thousand miles an hour around the block
And you'll be got... motherfucking shit.

Vending Machines

Ryan Stiles:
Singing a song about a vending machine.
Don't you know that's really not my scene.
Trying to think of something clever with a little twist.
If we do another hoedown, I'll slit my fucking wrist.

All: Slit my fucking wrist!

Birth

Colin Mochrie:
My wife gave birth yesterday.

Wayne Brady: Congratulations!
Drew Carey: Yeah, congratulations.

Colin:
Well, guess what? My wife just gave birth the other day,
And I really supported her all the way.
Time went for hours. Oh, hours were passing.
Oh God!

Puberty

Greg Proops:
(with a high, pre-pubescent voice) When I was a young boy, I thought I'd never change.
And then, as I got older, I started feeling strange.
One day, I was standy [steady], and then I saw a girl,
And when I saw her booty, it (voice suddenly drops) totally rocked my world.

Public Restrooms

Brad Sherwood:
I love public restrooms. I love the way they smell.
I walk in and take a breath and I just say, "Oh well".
I'll stay in there all day no matter what it takes,
And when I leave, I always eat those tasty urinal cakes.

Graduation

Ryan Stiles
I graduated high school today, and-- [cracks up] The fuck?!?

Job Interview

Drew Carey
I had an inter-- Oh shit.

Blind Date

Colin Mochrie
I had a blind date. It really was quite fab.
It was my first one, for I'm Captain Ahab.
You have this date. There were many highs and lows.
She really hated it when I shouted, "Thar she blows!".

Yardwork

Denny Siegel
Well, I miss the '60s. I miss them quite a lot.
I sit around, listening to music. It was really hot.
Well, I do a lot of yardwork. That's what comes to pass,
'Cause it's the cheap way to get my hands on grass.

Losing Your Virginity

Drew Carey
I remember the day I lost my virginity.
I took my woman and we drove to the city.
Let me tell you, brother, she felt like no other.
Boy, was I embarrassed when I found out it was my mother.

Bad Restaurant Service

Brad Sherwood:
I went to an awful restaurant. They had to use these towels
And all the food was awful, tasted like something from your bowels.
I had to leave so right away, 'cause it didn't really matter.
What was I thinking ordering the poo poo platter?

Surgery

Greg Proops
I have had a transplant. It did not go- Oh shit.

Going Bald

Ryan Stiles
When it comes to hoedowns, I'm doing another one.
After the first one, I thought that I was done.
I feel like such a fool and I feel like such a twit.
This is what I have to do to please the fucking Brit.

All: Please the fucking Brit!

Food

Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm vegetarian. I just eat vegan fruit,
And when I eat too many beans, that's when I start to poot.
I just sit there scooping and I - Oh, no fucking way.