This is the Whoserpedia's page for March lyrics, covering the entire British run.

Banking

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Tony Slattery:
Oh, fiscal things are sweet to me. In many ways they're honey.
Yes, my life centers around lots and lots of money.
Ooh, money, money, money. I don't need wit.
To be a banker you need to be a duplicitous git.

Sandi Toksvig:
We had a cashier in our bank. Well, she couldn't do any counting,
Which is really difficult but she is really good at mounting.
So instead of making her into a bank teller,
We put her by a lamp post and set out trying to sell her.

Colin Mochrie:
I love the feel of money. It's so crisp in banks.
I like the smell of dollars, of pounds, of francs.
Instumental!

Mike McShane:
I'm dating a woman. The woman is a banker.
She's damn good to me and I'd really like to thank her.
She lets me make deposits every day and every night.
And early withdrawal is a penalty, but for me it's alright.
I've got lots to put in the vault.
Just because I'm loaded, it's really not my fault.
But I don't think I could find an enemy in the worst or the best,
Because she always charges me with interest.

Childbirth

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm an obstetrician. I'm strong and I'm true.
I deliver babies for you, and you, and you.
A woman came in yesterday. She was so very fat.
It turned out she didn't have a baby. She had swallowed a cat.

Paul Merton:
Could happen. Could happen.
My wife just had a baby yesterday.
I was so happy that I started to go away.
I went twenty five miles to another town
And when I got back, the baby was upside down.

Ryan Stiles:
I am a nervous doctor. This is a first for me.
I'll make sure to wash all my hands.
Then I'll dip in up to my elbows.
I'm the best in the land.

Josie Lawrence:
Well, I'm a little baby and I scared mum to distraction
'Cause I popped out, whooosh, on her very first contraction.
Everyone around was very overawed
As I hung on to me umbilical cord.

Collecting Typewriters

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Jim Sweeney:
A tippity tap, a tippity tap, a flash in the space key.
Typewriting for everyday. That's what I do. That's me.
Typewriting's great. It's absolutely the best thing in the world.
Now I know that I'm really not going to find a rhyme.

Steve Steen:
A hundred and fifty typewriters I play upon with ease.
A hundred and fifty typewriters all with the bloody same keys.
"Now what do you make of that?", I say. And when I put in the paper,
I often wish I changeed my mind and became a nice little draper.

Paul Merton:
I'm a bit of a lover. I'm not a fighter.
That's why I love the old typewriter.
I'm a messy eater. I have food.
And when I do, I spit it down the front of myself.
And that's why when I start getting carried away with things, I put a bib on,
And my favourite part of the typewriter is the ribbon.

Mike McShane:
(Typewriter sound effect)
Shift, space. Shift, space. Shift, space. Shift, space.
I'm an instructor of typewriters. I make sure they do a good job.
I take the common man, I give him the typing plan,
And I make him a fancy typing yob.
I've got millions of typewriters in my building.
Some are German, some are French, and some are Yank.
When I have them work on
Their exercises upon
The typewriter, I have them spell out the word "Wank".

Dogsledding

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
I have a strange hobby, a hobby that's all mine.
I like doing things with a particular canine.
Yes, that's what I do. And yes, that's what I said.
I like to put my doggy in its own little sled.
I take him to the hilltop. I make him go right down.
My doggy doesn't like it. He starts a nasty frown.
But I just say, "Oh doggy. Please shut up. Tush, tush".
Then I put him upon my sled, and then I go, "Hey, mush".

Ryan Stiles:
People think the way I have dogs, the way I arrange.
They think that I'm a weird guy. They think that I am strange.
I don't know what it is. I think I'm rather lucky.
When you get a dog in the sled, you really have...

Colin Mochrie:
I had a dog that pulled a sled. He wasn't very fleet,
So I took my gun out and I shot him in the feet.
Two years later, he came back with the law
And said he was looking for the guy who shot his paw.

Mike McShane:
I'm a world class champion dogsledder.
When it comes to dogsledding, there's none better.
I have a team of huskies. I tell them, "Mush and go".
And they plow through proudly and bravely through the snow.
I can't get enough of sledding.
It's better than feathered down bedding,
But one thing that really gets me going for my yaya
Is whipping up a twelve pack of chihuahua.

Hang Gliding

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Jim Sweeney:
A march, march, march, march. It's what we hang gliders do.
March, march, march, march. You certainly would, too.
We glide all day. We have such fun. It's great fun by the pound,
Until we forget how to land and hit the bloody ground.

Sandi Toksvig:
I like to go up high up into the sky,
But there's one thing that's very unpleasant.
I don't think anything's going to rhyme with "unpleasant", actually.
It only happens very occassionally. It only happens to some,
But every time I go up, I get a draft up me bum.

Paul Merton:
Oh, I love hang gliding. I do it everyday.
I sometimes go up in the air and sometimes I go to Brae,
Which is near a place I used to live when I was but a boy.
Hang gliding's not a hobby. It's more of a sort of big toy.

Mike McShane:
I'm an adventurer. I like to keep my many many days filled
By becoming a member of the Blind Hangfliers Guild.
I like to go up in the air, though I can't see a thing.
I loft off a cliff on a prayer and a wing.
I'm flying left to right. I really can't tell.
I have no idea is Heaven up, or whether down is Hell.
But when I reach the end of it, and land up with a flash,
And I make a perfect three point crash.

Surveyors

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Tony Slattery:
I'm a boring surveyor. My life is full of bricks,
Stones and brickwork and sometimes sticks.
I'm not very trustworthy.
Why don't you give me all your bloody money?

Sandi Toksvig:
I noticed that the surveyors are nearly always men.
You see them here, you see them there, you see them sometimes then.
They may not be that good at it, but actually they're very - No, fine.
No, start again. I've gotta start again. I'll start again. I've got the hang of it now.
I can't believe we do this for a living.

Clive: Not for much longer.

Sandi:
I've noticed that surveyors are nearly always men.
I'll tell you wherefore, and I'll probably tell you when.
It's because when a man says it's big, he means it's small
'Cause men don't know the size of anything at all.

Colin Mochrie:
I have this little instrument. I look into the hole.
I look across the country at a guy with the pole.
And sometimes take my clothes off and frolic in the sand,
And then I try to get myself a little lay in the land.

Mike McShane:
I'm a sneezing surveyor, part of the guild.
When my nose is full, then I know my job is filled.
I look through the hole and I give a mighty blow.
I turn a small bridge into an archipelago.
Yeah, I like to plumb up with my little plumb.
And when I sneeze the swings back and forth, it makes a nasty hum.
I've worked for fifteen years. I've never got any better,
And now I should be ending this song because I can't think of anything better.

Taxidermy

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Josie Lawrence:
I love animals because I'm kind of rough.
There is not an animal in the world I wouldn't like to stuff
You see, because I love animals. One think I'd love to do
Is invite you around. I'll get some paper and then I can stuff you.
Two, three, four.

Greg Proops:
I am a rabbit. My life is in a rut,
Because I sit on a wooden plaque all day with a metal rod up my butt.

Sandi Toksvig:
My dog, he is very unhappy. He sits upon my bed.
He's very very sad, mainly because he's dead.
I stuffed him up the bum with little bits of tile.
I think it really hurts, but he's got a heck of a smile.

Mike McShane:
I'm an icthyo taxidermist. I like to stuff large fish.
A flounder or a trout is my solemn oath and wish.
I like the little sardines. The anchovies give me a thrill.
But stuffing lots of plankton's hard. It's hard to keep it still.

Traffic Jams

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Jim Sweeney:
I am a very keen driver. I've been driving for years.
Listening to the radio, I couldn't believe my ears.
There's another traffic jam, but I'll remain defiant.
I'll bump them out of my way with my little Robin Reliant.

Paul Merton:
I'm driving along the motorway, looking here and there,
And every so often, I just don't have a care.
I find myself stuck in a traffic jam. Oh no, I've got to start again.

Clive: It was going so well.

Paul: I did too many words. Not that it mattered.
I'm driving along the motorway, looking everywhere.
And I drive along with such a happy easygoing air,
And I find that when I'm at a traffic light,
Everything is sort of okay. Well, it's all alright.

Steve Steen:
I was in a traffic jam stuck in my little car.
I honked and I hooted, but I wasn't getting far.
It really caused me to get in a terrible pickle.
Next time, I think I'll take my motorcycle.

Tony Slattery:
I hate being stationary in traffic. I really hate being still.
I'd like to speed along on top of a hill.
I'd like to race down and dive into a pond
And on the way, kill bloody Noel Edmond.

Vegetables

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Jim Sweeney:
I love to go out shopping. I do it everyday.
I shop over here and I shop the other way.
I buy losts of things, but I never buy veg,
Because it's sold by a man called Reg.

Steve Steen:
I hate everything, everything that's green.
All kinds of vegetable, to me, I'm obscene.
I wouldn't spend all day working on a plot.
No, quite frankly, I'd feel a bit of a twat.

Paul Merton:
I hate vegetables. I wish they would all finish.
But amongst the vegetable I really hate is spinach.
I hate all kinds of vegetables. I hate every single one,
And if I had the right to get rid of them, I probably would do, I'd really.

Tony Slattery:
I've got an aversion of vegetables. They really make me puke,
Except for one tomato. I like him. He's called Luke.
But the biggest pair of vegetables that really make me sick
Are the two from "Good Morning with Anne and Nick".

Weddings

with Richard Vranch at the piano

Jim Sweeney:
I'm going to get married, yes, married very soon.
And then we're off to Europe to go on a honeymoon.
We'll be leaving quite so early, off one day from Dover,
As soon as I get rid of this bloody great hangover.

Steve Steen:
I'm going to get married. I'm married at my church.
I'm going to get married to the prettiest wife I know.
I'm going to get there, and as soon as I arrive,
I'm going to fall down 'cause I'm pissed. I'll take a dive.

Stephen Frost:
I'm a little bridesmaid. I like to catch the flowers.
I haven't caught them once and I've been standing here for hours.
I got a lovely frock on. It's made of silk and... and silk.
And I'll drink all the champagne and have a glass of milk.

Tony Slattery:
I got married yesterday. I had an awful time.
I drank two bottles of crappy British wine.
I'm going to leave my wife as quickly as I can,
'Cause I don't like her. I like the best man.

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