This is the Whoserpedia's page for Rap lyrics, covering the entire British run, as well as the radio series.

Animals

Lenny Henry:
Feel good!
I went to the zoo, walked down the street,
Opened the door, and guess who I should meet.
A tiger came and bit off my leg,
And now I'm going to walk back home again.
It's the animal rap.

Dawn French:
I like animals. I like Pekinese.
I like them a lot 'cause their stupid knees.
I like everything. I like a snake.
And it, I don't, if it's a fake.

Stephen Fry:
Eh, um, oh. I find it rather hard to get to sleep,
So I tend to spend my time counting sheep.
Um, I've got plenty in the bedroom, uh, one on the walls,
Um, one in bed, and one curled up on my lap.

John Sessions:
I like the man from UNCLE, like the man from Atlantis,
But I like to make love to a praying mantis.
Get down on your leg, down on your feet,
Go after those sheep 'til they bleat bleat bleat.
I say, damn.

Lenny Henry:
Aww yeah! Feel good!
Aww... I'm sorry, I'm enjoying this too much.
I like to go hunting. There's no denying.
I like to stick my gun into a big lion.
I'd like to get down with the big fat sheep.
I like to do something else and then go to sleep.

Dawn French:
I like all sorts of animals, especially cats.
I like them if they're thin. I like them if they're fat.
I like other animals. I like a dog,
But one thing I wouldn't do with a dog is snog.

Stephen Fry:
I once went to bed with a baby llama,
But it didn't matter because he didn't tell his mama.
I then went to bed with a bird from Carolina,
But it did matter, because it was a mynah.

Banking

Lee Simpson:
Working in a bank has made me a wreck.
I keep bouncing things. I especially bounce checks.
I hadn't had a good day since I worked this bank.
To pass the time, I just have to do a crossword puzzle.
I try to do things to help pass the time,
But the manager doesn't like me. He doesn't like my rhyme,
So I said to him, "You can stuff your job".
He said, "Get out of my bank. You always were a slob".

Jan Ravens:
When you're choosing a bank to go to, it is really hard to find the best,
Which are the ones that are in South Africa. The ones from which you have to disinvest.

Tony Slattery:
Banking is a subject close to my heart.
Me and my current account are never far apart.
You go to the manager, on closer inspection.
He's really dishy. He gives me an erection.

Mike McShane:
The man has the morals of a German Shepherd.
Sperm Bank! That's what I run.
I have to admit it's a lot of fun.
The customers always come in real glad,
And when they leave, you know they're sad.
I like to deposit, but most of all,
When the shop closes down, I can make a withdrawal.

Burgundy Handbags

John Sessions:
You know about America. Amerigo Vespucci.
Was he wearing his leather, man? He was carrying Gucci.
He was the kind of guy that could go out so high
With his leather bag.
He ain't no drag. Fag, fag, fag.

Tony Slattery:
Get down!
I went to a party just down the street.
I walk inside, and guess what I did see.
I saw a hangbag and it looked kind of fun.
I was feeling pretty perverted, so I stuck it up my bum.

Josie Lawrence:
I fill my pockets up and I make them sag
So I really need to buy a hangbag.
I'd have it in maroon or I'd have it in peuce,
But that kind of colour just ain't no use.
The only colour for me
Is bur-b-bur-b-burgundy.

Mike McShane:
I've got a handbag. I like to fill her.
When I fill it up, my bag's a thriller.
I take cosmetics all the time
And I load them in the bag all the time.
My bag's really red, can't you see?
It's more than red. It's burgundy.
Not rose. Not that. Not all, my friend.
And here's where the bag rap's got to end.

Clive: Rhyme again, though.

John Sessions:
I like my chicks wild. I like my chicks wild.
I like them wild like a nuclear reactor.
I like them to carry all kind of stuff in their bag
Like lipstick, maybe a max factor.
Like a rip in across the face and make them red and hide.
And I like to go out with them and say, "Hi".

Tony Slattery:
I was walking with my bag the other day,
And my friend saw me with it, and he said, "Hey".
He said, "Hey, hey, h-hey, hey, hey, hey".
He was really repetitive, so I shot him.

Josie Lawrence:
My bag won't make any animals sick
Because it is made out of plastic.
It has a shoulder strap.
You can hear me sing this rap.
I love my burgundy handbag. I love it so.
And if a mugger comes, I won't let my handbag go. No.
I won't let my handbag go. No. I won't let my handbag...

Mike McShane:
I got the bag. It's got a latch.
When I close it tight, it's tight. Cold natch.
They think I'm funny because I'm so big.
They say, "Is that bag made out of a pig?"
I say, "No, my friend. It's made out of a cow.
If you make fun of me, my fist will go pow
Right in your face, knock you on your butt,
Then you'll be on the floor and in a rut.
They'll scoop you up, and put you in my bag.
And then you'll be a stone butt drag."

Cooking

Mike McShane:
I'm a master chef. I'm in your kitchen.
When I whip up an omelette, Lord, it's bitchin'.
I crack the eggs and lay them in the pan.
Spread the cheese and go goin' on it, man.
I flip it over with my hand.
It lands right back in the aluminum pan.
I serve it up and it's really hot.
If you don't like an omelette, I say it a lot.

Tony Slattery:
Cooking is my obsession.
So what's going to happen now is a cookery lesson.
It's where it's at. Food is where it's been.
I'm a pissed chef. I'd like a large gin.

Josie Lawrence:
Hi everybody. My name is Josie.
I'm going to teach you how to eat spaghetti.
You can do it in a lot of ways,
You can chop up the garlic, make bolognaise.
You can make it slow or make it faster.
There's lots of ways that you can do pasta.

Greg Proops:
Well, I'm a groovy chef. I'm totally illin',
And when I make a dish, it's way way thrilling.
The girls come in the kitchen. They hop like a frog,
'Cause they want to taste my big hot dog.

Dental Hygeine

John Sessions:
Gotta floss those teeth. Gotta floss those teeth.
Go around inside. Get down underneath.
Go around the top. Go back to the bottom,
And then you're just peculiar.

Tony Slattery:
Paul Daniel's Magic Show. Terry and June. Sky Television.
Oh no, I thought it was "crap". It's "rap". Sorry.
I love dentists. I love them every day.
I love them in lots of special ways.
I love my hygienist. He is great.
I want him to have my baby. I want him to be my mate.
Hey!

Josie Lawrence:
Come on, dentists. Get off of my back.
I want you to scrape away my plaque.
Come on, now, and hear me sing.
I want you to make my mouth a bright thing.
Do the bright thing!

Greg Proops:
Yo, yo. I'm your dentist. I'm Doctor Gain.
I'm here to cause you a massive amount of pain.
Sit down in your chair, I'll pull on your hair,
And drill right down to your underwear.

DIY

John Sessions:
DIY is often done by a guy called Brian.
He makes naff kind of banisters out of wood and plywood and wrought iron.
Now and again, he breaks off and goes talk to the wife.
Most of the time, he's happier with a stanley knife.

Jon Glover:
The guy next door is driving me mad.
He's really all hamming and he really is sad.
He's trying to build himself a house,
But the guy just ain't as quiet as a mouse.

Rory Bremner:
Well, you get yourself a hammer and you get yourself a drill,
And you save a lot of money on the decorator's bill.
You can drill all night, you can drill all day.
And you really save a lot of money that way.
You know what I mean? You know?

Stephen Fry:
Well, oh. Oh, yes. Oh, I shouldn't wonder.
No, uh, DIY is, uhh, well, it's uhh, it's um, it's injurious to the health.
Um, it stands, for those who are interested, for "Do-it-Yourself".
Um, I had, I had a terrible time with all these, uh, all these, you know, brackets and fixtures.
Um, I tried to put a picture on the wall the other day, uh, ha ha. And essentially I put, I put the wall on the picture.
Went horribly wrong.

John Sessions:
Chubby Checker and Desmond Decker,
They need a Black and Decker for the breaker.
And everyone knows they like any kind of tool.
Go back to see the Marley's ghost on the island.
Finding a rhyme scheme. That's simply the rule.

Jon Glover:
Well, I went on down to MFI
To see if I could find something for I.
I couldn't find nothing that would fit together,
But now I'm making something out of leather.

Rory Bremner:
But the guy next door, he's going to do it a lot faster,
'Cause he's going to get himself a huge ghetto blaster.
He's got himself the fuses and he's got himself the wires.
He's going to do himself up in electrical fires.
Nearly.

Stephen Fry:
I, um, I, I, I do a bit of, um, bit of, uh, bit of DIY now and again.
Uh, well, it's a lot cheaper than, you know, well, paying the men.
Um, I, uh, ha. I uh, ha ha. I, uh.
I supposed you could call me, you know, something of a self-inflator,
But I'm, uh, I did it, myself, to myself. And I'm a self-made man who worships his own creator.

Dustmen

Josie Lawrence:
You know that throwing litter is a sin.
You should pick it up and put it in the bin.
What I am is what I am.
Because I am a d-d-d-dustman.
I like my job so well,
But nobody ever can tell.
I pick up the bins and then, what more?
I spill the rubbish all over your floor.

Arthur Smith:
Yes, I spill that rubbish on the floor.
I kick the dog and I scratch the door.
I deal in rubbish, horrible and green.
I'm like the captain of the English cricket team.
Get down!

Sandi Toksvig:
They call me "garbage". They call me "trash".
They call me a dustman, which is a little dash.
But I'm telling you now and I'm telling you here,
Actually, I'm a sanitary engineer.

Mike McShane:
(Barks)
I'm a dog. I love getting in
Anything that looks like a big trash bin.
They got the bones and they got the goop.
I can't get enough and then I take a little scoop
Of some bad food, three days old.
It's got a nice heavy thing of mold.
It tastes really good to someone like me,
'Cause, bitch, I ain't got no pedigree.

Fish

John Sessions:
When you're swimming in the water down by Bermuda,
You're going to bait yourself, wash with a barracuda.
You're going to see every type of fish, you're see every type of fin,
Then you're going to get in the water and you're going to get out again.

Nonny Williams:
If you want to stay young and don't want a wrinkle,
You should eat your haddock, you should eat your winkle.
If you want to keep a lodge of space,
Eat your halibut. Eat your plaice.
'Thank you! Woo! Woo!

Jimmy Mulville:
I don't like chops and I don't like ham.
I don't like lamb and I don't like spam.
I don't like anything. I don't like gammon.
So just give me a nice piece of salmon.
Yeah!

Stephen Fry:
Well, I rather like the weatherman. Um, uh, they're so fiercely cool.
There's Ian McCaskill. He's no fool.
But, uh, the one man in Britain I think is really delish,
And that's that super sexy person, Michael Fish.

Jimmy Mulville:
Fish! Fish!
You go down the deep to have a look around.
You swim and swim and poke, poke around.
You don't know what to do or say,
And then you see a very big stingray.
Not very funny, but it rhymes.

Stephen Fry:
I saw a man the other day dangling his rod.
Uh, and, uh, then he started fishing, by God.
I, I saw what it was that he was landing.
It was a piece of cod that passeth all understanding.

Fruit

John Sessions:
I like Orson Welles. I like any type of crime.
I like oranges, apples, and Harry Lime.
I like to make myself go "Toot, toot, toot"
And then I hit myself with a drop of fruit.
Ow!

Enn Reitel:
I like peaches. I like pears.
I like oranges, and I don't cares.
I eat them plain. I eat them with the peel on.
And then I throw up all over the place because I don't really like fruit.

Hugh Laurie:
While I was walking down the street just the other day,
I was looking good. I was feeling okay.
I was feeling fine but I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with
...Melon!

Stephen Fry:
I like fruit. I eat it more than I oughter.
Uh, uh, I find fruit makes your mouth water.
Uh, but I quite like pears and I like apples.
Um, I like the fruits that they sell. Uh... Oh, that was apples, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I got that rhyme completely wrong.
I like bananas. I like figs.
Um, I quite like bacon. Uh, it comes from pigs.

Hangovers

Mike McShane:
Oh, oh, oh.
I drank too much last night.
I drank too much. My head is a fright.
I look in the mirror. My eyes aren't any clearer.
And now I look like a big ugly reindeer.
I got the horse sitting on my head.
My tongue's covered with fur. I wish I was dead.
I can't relate. Lord, I just can't think.
I know what I need is another drink.

Tony Slattery:
I like hangovers. They're really ace.
I love it when the vomit dribbles down my face.
I take some paracetamol. Woo, Lord, save us.
I wanna make love with Dicky Davis.

Sandi Toksvig:
I lay on the floor. I felt quite sick.
My head, it was incredibly thick.
My mouth tasted like it was full of beans.
I looked up. There was a man in tight jeans.
I said, "Hey. This song shouldnt've been sung,
But boy, you're sure well hung".

Paul Merton:
Last night I had some cake and... No start again.
I just can't do this game at all, not even at my damn best. Uhh...
Last night I had some beer, some cake.
Now I have a great headache.
I am what you call an alcoholic
And my nature is bucolic.

Josie Lawrence:
Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello, everybody. My name is Anna.
Last night, I got drunk on tequila slammers.
I was drunk. I was out of my head.
Can't remember what I did. Can't remember what I said.
I came into the party, and the next thing I do,
I was jumping around naked like a kangaroo.

Greg Proops:
Last night, I started drinking. I wasn't really thinking.
And now I wake up. I'm totally stinking.
I'm lying in my bed. I wish I was dead.
'Cause I feel like my brain is bigger than my head.

Having a Baby

John Sessions:
Clinical, umbilical,
Having babies don't make you cynical.
You go on the floor, on the, on the floor.
Baby, baby, baby. Have you on the window sill.

Josie Lawrence:
I met this man. He was called Dennis.
He turned out to be a menace.
He said "Come on". I said "Maybe".
Now I found out that I'm having his baby.
Well, heave. Well, heave.
And a push, push, push. Don't push it.

Peter Cook:
When the baby comes, you know full well
That the baby's going to make your life Hell.
But you throw the baby out the door.
You say, "I want a little bit more
Of what made the baby come in the first place".
Cootchie boogie woogie woogie woogie woogie woogie woo.

Stephen Fry:
Um, well there's obviously a lot of unpleasantness that has to be gone through before the baby eventually comes out in chirrups.
I mean, for a start, of course, the poor old mother has to be put up in all those revolting stirrups.
And um, uh, you've got to be very careful to make sure the baby doesn't come out in rather unpleasant pieces,
And to stop that happening, I recommend amniocentesis. It's a, it's a very very good thing to have there.
Um, when I was a born, the umbilical cord was cut with a, with a, with a sabre.
Um, err, err, because it's only politically true, of course, as well as only the surgeon's knife can really save Labour.

Sheep Shearing

John Sessions:
You gotta ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga gotta button the mutton
'Til you button the mutton until your mutton is hurting.
And it's like Timothy Hutton.
You get the mutton, baby, you get the sheep on the clean
And then you can say you put them in the pastures that are so green.

Enn Reitel:
Baa baa black sheep. Have you any wool?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I said three bags full.
I said three bags full.
Get down, baby. Baa baa black sheep. Have you any wool?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Josie Lawrence:
Come on, sheep. Pull up to my bunker.
Make me a woolly jumper.
Ooh, ooh. You're so shear.
I like to have my sheep real near.
I go to Australia and see the men, they sweat.
I like to see them dripping. Yes, it's my favourite bet.
I like to watch sheep shearers. I could watch them all day long,
Because I like sheep best of all. Their loins are good and strong.

Stephen Fry:
Mary had a little lamb!
No, I can't do that. I can't, I can't do that kind of thing at all.
Um, yes. I'm terribly fond of uh, of uh, shearing sheep. Nothing, nothing could be clearer.
I'm very, they, they call me Norma Shearer.
I, I shear very hard and I shear very hard again.
Uh, uh, uh, and I sheared a nice little woollen cardigan.
Um, but, uh, in fact, sheeps, rams, lambs, and ewes
Um, ah, rather make very attractive blouson and other itemries of clothing.
Um, sheep have a reputation for being stupid,
And when it comes to being lovers, I don't think anyone could call them Cupid.
Um, um, sheep are friendly and sheep are clean.
I think, I think you know what I mean.
I don't.

Stamp Collecting

Mike McShane:
Philately. It gives me a kick.
They're stamps. I like them to lick.
They're tasty. When I put them on the page, I know it's a hobby,
But let me act my age. They're good.
And I've got the original, the best.
The one and only original, the Babe Ruth
That's upside down. When he's swinging the bat and he looks like a clown.
Uh! Lick it!

Ryan Stiles:
I like the stamps. I like 'em all. I'd like to see the Pope.
I'd lick that thing and stick it right on the big white envelope.
Any kind of stamp, oh, any kind of stamp, oh, any kind of stamp you've seen.
My favourite is when I get to bear the big lick on the Queen.
Let me hear you now. Uhh!

All: Ohhh!

George McGrath:
I like the stamps. Steam them off a letter.
As soon as I got them then I feel better.
I put them in a book and I give them a look,
And then I find that I need to cook.
And it seems to me that it's always surprising
The price of my stamps keep on rising.
Uh huh!

Greg Proops:
Cold illin' 'cause I did philately.
I'm at home getting it on with Natalie.
It's okay if the stamps are thin
'Cause you know when I lick 'em, they go right in.
I may be white but that's alright,
'Cause I be licking stamps all through the night.

Tabloid Newspapers

John Sessions:
England's into democracy, into being free and
No comment, no FP'ing.
I'm saying the best kind of thing is the Sun.
If you don't like tits, tat least you can have fun.

Griff Rhys-Jones:
I was reading my paper the other day,
And what do I see in the headline, it say?
That James Anderton is the king of the crop.
He's a man who never knows when to stop.
He thinks he's God. He thinks he's the Lord,
But I don't care because he's... making me bored.

Kate Robbins:
As I opened up my page the other day,
I saw Sammy Fox. She had nothing to say.
And she was standing there. She had some bits.
And then I looked at her great big long hair.
She's blonde. He's so horrible.
I don't like her. Nothing rhymes with "horrible".
Press that buzzer, whatever you do.
If you don't press it now, I'm going to hit, hit you.

(Clive buzzes)

Stephen Fry:
Well, I was going on a holiday with my baby dachsund.
Um. No, I'm sorry. I just can't do the accent.
Um, I was, uh, going on holiday and I was rather annoyed
Because, uh, I started to think about the great British tabloid.
And I realized on holiday, I was the editor of a certain one,
Because there I was, lying in the Sun.

Veterinarians

Ryan Stiles:
Lying on the road, guess what I saw.
It was lying there dead, a dead chihuahua.
I took him to the vet to see what he said.
He said, "Yeah man. You're right. The dog is dead".
I said eee!

Josie Lawrence:
Being a vet is lots of fun.
Stick it behind an animal's bum.
Oh yeah. Huh! Uppa huppa huppa.
So bring your doggy to me if he is sore,
He has a nail stuck in his paw.
I will pull that nail right out.
Make your doggy sing and shout.
Yes, I'm feeling quite contrary.
I'm a mental veterinary.

Neil Mullarkey:
Well, being a vet has lots of surprises.
And by the way, did I mention my trousers?
Yesterday, I had a pregnant cow.
My, my. It was is really strange, because when I pulled it out, it said, "Meow".

Mike McShane:
All the toughest jobs that this vet has got to do,
I'm a gynecologist at the zoo.
I do the dogs and I do the cats,
But the elephants, Lord, that's where it's at.
You get him on the table. You get him on the back.
And you work your hand in. Packy wacky wack wack.
I know it's tough, you gotta face the facts.
The main this is just to get them to relax.

Series Two Bloopers

Royalty

Mike McShane:
The best of the favourite of my royalty.
I've got a thing about a guy named Edward III.
He was the king for a little while.
He had lots of grace and had lots of style.
Now, don't get me wrong and don't shoot me dead.
I think he got pressed with death with - Oh, fuck that.

Pinstriping

John Sessions: Pinstripe-ripe-ripe! No, can't do it. Can't do it.

Fish

Josie Lawrence: It's completely gone. Wait a minute, they're going to edit this aren't they? They can't can they, because of the rhythm.

Clive Anderson: No, they can't do it. Keep going. Keep that rhythm going.
I like fishing for all that trout.

Josie: Come on, Clivey. Help me out!

Clive:
Get it in the river. Get it in your mouth.
Go to Scotland to get some salmon.
Go home and have some eggs and bacon.

Paul Merton: Why don't you get up and do it?

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