Weird Newscasters stories

• The iconic element of Weird Newscasters has always been the stories that Colin and the rest of the anchors have come up with -- here's every story.

US (ABC/ABCFamily)

• US-104 - Brad: "Vice President Al Gore was at a fund raiser today where he walked around in women's lingerie for charity purposes. People say he looked good in a pink slip."

• US-106 - Greg: "Drunken pigs have taken over the town of Hattiesburg, Mississippi."

• US-101 - Colin (co-anchor): "Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?"

• US-108 - Colin: "Our top story: An infinite amount of monkeys came up with the FOX fall line-up." and "This just in: nine out of ten dentists agree the tenth one should really chill out."

• US-117 - Denny: "Our top story tonight: researchers working at two major universities have discovered that nobody cares anymore if you work at a major university."

• US-113 - Colin: "Our top story today: a national study shows that balding men make the best lovers."

• US-120 - Denny: "Our top story tonight: auto makers have found that people who believe in reincarnation are less likely to wear a seatbelt."

• US-114 - Brad: "After a three and a half month medical survey, experts have proven that Al Gore is actually alive."

• US-118 - Colin: "Our top story: wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women."

• US-116 - Stephen Colbert: "Tonight's top story: trouble causes problems." and "Don't forget at 2 a.m. to turn your clocks back or forward 24 hours."

• US-110 - Brad: "Our top story from the middle east: Benjamin Netanyahu changes his name to Benjamin NetanYAHOO!"

• US-121 - Brad: "In international news, the country of Palakalakawaka declared a state of war against the United States after a mutated sheep did something strange at the Embassy."

• US-109 - Greg: "There's apricots all over the Washington monument. And monkey children have swarmed the capital."

• US-205 - Brad: "Well, the heat wave in Antarctica continues, and people are shaving penguins left and right."

• US-206 - Colin: "And welcome to the 6 o'clock news. Unfortunately, everything happened at 3:48 today, so we have nothing to tell you."

• US-220 - Colin: "Today's top story: nine out of ten Americans believe that, out of ten people, one American will always disagree with the other nine."

• US-203 - Colin (co-anchor): "This just in: looking at balding men gives you good luck!"

• US-212 - Colin: "A large wooden object with a pointy end was found spinning in the downtown core. That's our top story." and "This just in: donors are wanted for a man whose buttocks are blown off in industrial accident. Doctors report no end in sight."

• US-221 - Brad: "Today, monkeys broke out of the national zoo and killed everyone in the nation."

• US-207 - Denny: "Our top story tonight interestingly is not about a top but a dreidel."

• US-224 - Greg: "In our headlines: Ricky Martin accused of having a crazy life. And Britney Spears claims that she's no longer yours." and "A kitten was saved from a tree today in Covina."

• US-208 - Brad: "Tragedy struck the Teletubbies this week when during a camping trip, Dipsy and Laa-Laa were mauled to death by bears."

• US-210 - Greg: "Nationwide law enforcement officials honor the Los Angeles Police Department with a congeniality award. And Arizona changes its state motto to "Damn, it's hot."

• US-227 - Colin: "Our top story tonight. Famous TV dolphin Flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two sixteen-year olds across state lines for immoral porpoises."

• US-216 - Greg: "Mississippi changes its official state motto to 'Hey, We're All Named Bubba.' And President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the White House by wearing leather chaps."

• US-231 - Greg: "Insane cow tries moon jump. Dish and spoon still missing."

• US-235 - Colin: "According to a recent scientific report, men think about sex every seconds, and becau- [pause for about six seconds] - Mike Wallace."

• US-214 - Colin: "Hollywood was saddened when Foghorn Leghorn died today at the age of 65. Memorial services will be held tomorrow after which the deceased will be served in a nice orange sauce." Also, "This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3."

• US-236 - Brad: "Our top story tonight: rumors are speculating that Madeleine Albright is actually a monkey. When asked to comment, she shimmied up a tree and flung poo at the press."

• US-302 - Colin: "Our top story tonight. Disaster struck a ceiling fan convention tonight when the scheduled entertainment Dr. Linguini and his trampolining sheep hit the floor. According to one eye witness, everything was fine until one extremely high bounce and then the sheep hit the fan."

• US-305 - Greg: "Elvis Presley found working at Doug's Snack & Bowl in Dothan Alabama. Tragic fudge accident takes the life of the Keebler Elves."

• US-304 - Colin: "Our top story today. After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall."

• US-327 - Brad: "Tonight's biggest story. Financial analysts have figured out a way to take out a second mortgage on your home so you can afford a full tank of gas."

• US-307 - Greg: "Psychic convention cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. Now it can be revealed: Shakespeare's plays were written by a neighbor named Skip, you don't know him." and "This just in: the state of Texas officially changes its name to 'Y'all Ain't Squat.'"

• US-329 - Colin: "Our top story today. 60's musical group The Byrds today announced their twenty-four city reunion tour their new band member George W. Bush. To save on money, Mr. Bush will play guitars and drums. According to a spokesman, a Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds."

• US-344 - Colin: "Our top story. Today a man who had been swallowed by a whale...a man who had been swallowed by a whale escaped today by running as hard as he could 'til he was all pooped out."

• US-308 - Colin: "Our top story. According to a statement today released by the national Viagra association, contrary to popular belief, the points do matter."

• US-324 - Colin: "Our top story today. An entire cult of dead killer bees were found dead. They are thought to have committed insecticide."

• US-413 - Colin: "Our top story tonight. NASA sends probe to Uranus. People everywhere giggle."

• US-422 - Greg: "Kathie Lee Gifford still unemployed. And Britney Spears makes a mistake. Oops, she did it again."

• US-337 - Colin: "Our top story today. Convicted hitman Jimmy Two-Shoes McClardyconfessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack."

• US-412 - Brad: "Veteran British rockers Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital today and set free all of the doberman pinschers. The police said that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out."

• US-421 - Colin: "Our top story tonight. Ninety-five-year-old Fred Scapese was found not guilty today of sexual harrassment. The ninety-five-year-old, however, was arraigned on charges of assault with a dead weapon."

• US-409 - Colin: "A man who was swallowed whole by a whale escaped today by running all the way down to the end until he was pooped out."

• US-429 - Colin: "Our top story tonight. A man is still in critical condition after swallowing two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in large bills. No change is expected."

• US-501 - Colin: "Our top story. Disaster at the Los Angeles zoo today when the snake pit was accidentally filled in. Said the zoo director, 'It's terrible terrible news. Now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in.'"

• US-514 - Colin: "Our top story today: A fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit made completely of mirrors The police said the man apologized once he had time to sit down and reflect."

• US-518 - Colin: "Our top story today. The great Jamboni, eccentric human cannonball known for taking his lucky donkey to all his performances, escaped near tragedy today when the donkey climbed into the cannon muzzle just as Jamboni was taking off. It took the surgeons three hours to remove Jamboni's head from his ass. Both are resting comfortably."

• US-603 - Colin: "Our top story today. Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall which was outside the Playboy Mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, 'Well, if it was anyone else, we may have gotten away from it, but unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.'"

• US-426 - Colin: "Our top story today. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer dead at 53. I know, it is sad. Over Barcelona today the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane."

• US-428 - Colin: "Our top story today. Noted archaelogist Fred Flinsteen made an amazing discovery today in Sweden. On a wind-swept fjord he came across some primitive musical instruments plus some miniscule deposits of fossilized stool. When asked what the stool could be, Flinsteen replied, 'A dab o' ABBA doo.'"

• US-7004 - "Our top story today. The Great Flydini, The Shrekman Circus flying cannonball for the last fifty years retired yesterday. When asked if he was gonna be replaced, the circus owner said, 'No, it's hard to find a man of that caliber.'"

• US-7025 - "Our top story today. Rock star Prince has changed his name once again. After changing long distance carriers, Prince, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, will know be known as the artist who formerly phoned with Sprint."

• US-8002 - Colin: "Bars across America were saddened today by the death of Dr. Joseph Loungstein. The famous doctor who has a sideline would make exotic drinks from wood sap died suddenly today. This is one patron who's really going to miss the Hickory Daiquiri Doc."

• US-8008 - Denny: "Residents of San Andreas California, will no longer to be able to file for no fault divorce.
  

US part II (theCW)

• US-9004 - Colin: "Our top story tonight. A concert promoter who said he had the world's tallest piano player was found to be lying today, when his piano player was five foot ten. Just another case of a man lying about the size of his pianist."

• US-9006 - Colin: "Our top story. Scientists turn back time, end up with the word emit."

• US-9007 - Colin: "Our top story. Nine out of ten people addicted brake fluid, can't stop."

• US-1007 - Greg: "Colorado changes its state motto to, pancakes served anytime"

• US-1008 - Colin: "Our top story. Scientists have discovered that three out of five of habitual marijuana smokers develops over productive saliva glands. When asked if there was anything to do one scientist advised, yes you can spit or get off the pot."

• US-1016 - Colin: "Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he'll be starring in a new movie about 17th century composer. Said Mr. Schwarzenegger, I'll be Bach."

• US-1017 - Colin: "A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing lit feces at zoo employees. Three of the zoo employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns"

• US-1020 - Colin: "Researchers conclude today, one out of every seven dwarves is dopey."

• US-1022 - Colin: "In Wyoming, A man totally covered in brown wrapping paper was arrested for rustling"

• US-1101 - Colin: "A recent study showed that 10 out of 9 people are bad at math"

• US-1107 - Colin: "A man died in his home today when a pile of books fell on him. Police say he only had his shelf to blame."

• US-1109 - Colin: "Triumph turned to tragedy when the scientist who actually cloned the first human being pushed that same person out of a window for making inappropriate remarks. The police are charging him for making an obscene clonefall."'

• US-1112 - Colin: "According to a new study, 9 out of 10 people do not trust staircases because they're always up to something."

• US-1113 - Colin: "9 out of 10 people who know sign language say it's handy."

• US-1117 - Colin: "A freak explosion at Miniature Western Town ended up tragically with a security guard with small plastic horses stuck in his rectum. Doctors describe his condition as stable."

• US-1202 - Colin: "Celebrations all over the country celebrating the 150th anniversary of Alexander Graham Bell Powalski, who of course was the first telephone pole."

• US-1213 - Colin: "Doctors are advising people who are very sensitive to the cold to go stand in a corner. Because as you know, corners are always 90 degrees."

• US-1215 - Colin: "Twenty dogs were stolen from a pet shop. Police say there were no leads."

• US-1218 - Colin: "Funeral services were held for a psychic contortionist who saw her own end."

• US-1301 - Colin: "According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles never get over it."

• US-1306 - Colin: "A man who was suing an airline for misplacing his luggage unfortunatly lost his case."

• US-1307 - Colin: "At LAX today, a man who had a compass, a protractor and a calculator was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction."

• US-1314 - Colin: "Apple has just delveloped a computerized car. There is a snag. They're having trouble installing Windows."

• US-1401 - Greg: "In a bizzare turn of events, Orange Julius Ceasar has taken over the United States. Also known as Benito Cheeto or Mango Mussolini."

• US-1403 - Colin: "A man was arrested today for stealing from a supermarket while standing on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two Counts."

• US-1408 - Colin: "A man was arrested today for stealing at his job as a road worker. His wife said 'I didn't belive it at first but when I got home, I saw the signs.'"

• US-1415 - Colin: "According to a recent scientific study, women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who comment on it."

• US-1502 - Colin: "10 out of 10 beauticians agree that if you tell your girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high, she'll look surprised."

• US-1504 - Colin: "In the world of science, something new has been added to the periodic table. Designated by the letters AH, it is, of course, the element of surprise."

• US-1508 - Colin: "A woman who found out that her husband was replacing the bed with a trampoline hit the roof."

• US-1510 - Greg: "A Kremlin controlled carrot has been spotted playing golf at the White House. The state of Alabama bans science and the women of Congress have ruled that men no longer get to give their opinion until we figure things out."

• US-1614 - Colin: "A man who works in a Chinese restaurant burnt himself severely while doing a stir-fry. Paramedics say he may never wok again."

• US-1701 - Colin: "A couple was arrested in the India's tallest building for doing as many positions in the Kama Sutra as possible in the elevator. Said one policeman, it was wrong on so many levels."

• US-1705 - Colin: "A man was found dead in a vat of crushed chickpeas, lemon juice and olive oil. Police are considering this a hummuside."

• US-1805 - Colin: "Tragedy struck as a Czechoslovakian animal fertility expert was eaten by the two tigers that he was hoping to help mate. Although details are fuzzy, it is though the Czech is in the male."

• US-1807 - Colin: "A manhunt still happens, looking for twin bank robbers Juan and Amal Rodriguez. Things may have slowed up because they only have a picture of one of the twins, but as the Commisioner says, if you seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

• US-1904 - Colin: "A fifth grade teacher filed a wrongful dismissal suit against the school saying that they fired her because she was cross eyed. They said that's not true, she just couldn't control her pupils."

• US-1905 - Colin: "A scientist succesfully cloned himself. Said a coworker, that's just like him."

• US-2006 - Colin: "A butcher who backed up into a meat grinder was fired today for getting a little behind in his work."

• US-2010 - Colin: "A scientist cloned himself today. A coworker said, that's just like him"

• US-2013 - Greg: "Billionaire Elon Musk buys everything just to fuck it up and the state of Florida has banned the teaching of anything that will bum white people out."

• US-2018 - Colin: "A who stole my diary has died today. My thoughts are with his family."